Still Chasing You (Still Series #4)

Hakbang 16

I love the idea of thrill. I love the extremities. I love taking risks. I love everything that's dangerous.

In sports...

But this? This feeling? I don't have the courage to take a risk.

Funny how I was not even scared of doing extreme sports that might probably harm my life, but I'm this scared of accepting my feelings for someone that I know will probably break my heart.

So I made a choice.

A choice I'm not even sure of but I think is just the right thing to do.

Because this is what it's supposed to be. This is what I should do to save myself from this fucked up feelings I have for him.

I was never good at handling my feelings. I didn't even told Vernon that I liked him before. I just made him feel it but there was never a confession. Not because I was scared that he doesn't like me back, but because I don't wanna be the first one to admit my feelings.

Coz like what I said, I was never vocal.

Purong paramdam lang noon ang binigay ko kay Vernon. At alam kong naramdaman niya 'yon. Alam ko ring kahit paano, may pag-asa ako. Kasi naramdaman ko rin 'yon. Pinaramdam niya rin 'yon. Hindi lang kami sumugal dalawa.

At kaysa sumugal, noong umalis siya, mas pinili kong kalimutan na lang nararamdaman. Si Vernon na 'yon pero hindi pa rin ako sumugal.

Kaya bakit ako susugal kay Benjamin? Mas malabo 'yon. Mas hindi sigurado.

Kasi may Asherah. Mahal na mahal niya 'yon, 'di ba?

Napunta nga kami sa set-up na 'to dahil parehong gustong makalimot. Nagawa ko. Siya ba? Hindi ata.

Kaya bakit ako susugal?

Benjamin Zuriel Ibañez is the risk I will always be scared to take.

Tama lang na si Vernon ang pinili ko. Pero bakit kahit tama, maling mali sa pakiramdam?

"You don't seem fine. Are you drunk?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Vernon habang nasa byahe kami.

Tipid akong ngumiti at tumango. Tinignan ko ang side mirror, nagbabakasakaling makita roon kahit kotse ni Benj na nakasunod pero wala.

Bakit niya nga ba ako hahabulin o susundan? I'm getting my hopes way too high. I'm not Asherah. I should know where I stand.

Fuck buddy. A friend with benefits. Kailangan ko 'yan alalahanin lagi.

I crossed the damn line, yes! I have feelings for him but I won't ever say it! Ako na ang unang tumapak sa linya at sisiguraduhin kong hindi na ako lalagpas sa linyang 'yon. Hanggang tapak lang. Hanggang doon lang.

"Are you really sure you're okay?" si Vernon ulit.

I nodded again. "I'm fine. You?"

"You don't seem fine,"

"I'm fine. I'm also not drunk!" tinawa ko na lang.

Nilingon niya ako saglit. "I know you too well, Z." makahulugan niyang sabi.

Natahimik ako at nag-iwas ng tingin sakaniya. Tama naman siya. Kung ayos lang ako ngayon, kanina pa sana kami nagkwekwentuhan. We were never this silent when we're together. We always have something to talk about.

"Your parents didn't greet you," he concluded that it was the reason why I don't seem fine.

Isa 'yon, oo. Pero hindi ko na masyadong dinibdib dahil hindi naman ito ang unang beses na nakalimutan nila ang birthday ko. What bothers me the most now is how Benjamin looked at me earlier. Noong naglakad ako papunta sa kotse ni Vernon, nagkatinginan pa kami. I saw pain and disappointment in his eyes.