Was I stupid?
Life was never gentle with me. For quite a long time, it has been taking me up to the highest mountain where I could see the beautiful view of the world but it also has been pushing me down to the bottomless pit where the world did not look as pretty. Life was a bully and I was a victim. People told me to look at it in a different perspective, but I would always end up thinking the same.
So when love came in knocking at the doorstep to my heart, I knew right away it would not be as gentle. I could be brought to that peak of the mountain I wanted to be at or the bottomless pit that could potentially kill me. I knew it would only bring forth troubling and uncertain consequences, but I let it in anyway.
Was I stupid?
I thought love climbed me up to the mountain. I started to see the beauty in every single thing I saw. The clouds were iridescent. The sun was blindingly bright. The trees were vibrant green. The stars at night shimmered like glitter. The moon was hauntingly mesmerizing.
Love was a person and it was you. You stood beside me with your jet-black hair that grew a few inches longer to your eyebrows, your eyes that seemed to carry the whole glimmering of the milky way galaxy, your smile that lit up my world brighter than what the sun could, and your uncertain demeanor that would always let me think if it was right to let you in.
And you would remind me everytime that it was.
Was I stupid?
The first few months were amazing. Butterflies never escaped my stomach. Rainbows would regularly show above us. Stars would witness the exchange of sweet gestures and warm words to each other. It had been like that.
But one day came and it was not like that anymore.
The sky looked nothing but gray and emptiness. The iridescent clouds became thunderstorms that brought forth the most violent of rains and winds. The rain water started to pile up at the mountain. I could not see anything.
I could not see you. Where were you?
When the rain stopped, you showed up. I thought your presence calmed me down and that everything would be back to being beautiful, but it did not. You just showed up there but the grayness and emptiness of everything remained. When it would rain, you would disappear. When it would stop raining, you would be there to cause it to rain.
And you told me you loved me.
Was I stupid?
One rainy day came and I slipped and fell down the bottomless pit I ever so wanted to avoid going to all of my life. I wanted to scream but rain water filled my mouth and my lungs. I could not breathe. I could not speak. I just fell towards nothingness, uncertainty, and loneliness.
And you were not there falling with me.
With all the courage and strength I had left, I looked at the peak of the mountain and saw you there for the first time soaked in the rain. You seemed to wear a celebratory grin plastered on your face. It killed me.
You killed me.
Was I stupid?
Love was a monster and it was you. I continued to fall down the cliff. I continued to bump to every single twig, rock, and dirt it came along the fall. I got bruised, wounded, and stabbed over and over but I remained alive.
I wanted so badly to hate you, to curse you, and to make you feel how hurt you made me feel. But my stupid self could never. I never hated you. I never wanted to hurt you. I never cursed you.
Was I stupid? Yes. But you were way more stupid than me. Once I stop falling from this bottomless cliff and landed whether roughly or not on the ground, I swear you will never see me again. You will never find another like me and the phantom memories you have with me will haunt you until it is your turn to fall down the cliff.
But until then, I will remain stupid for you because my heart still screams for your name lovingly even though my mind has been shouting yours menacingly.
2 A.M., 2nd of May, I can picture you sleeping soundly as my cries echo throughout the cliff. So many questions filled my head. When would you decide to save me here? Would you ever dare to though?
Was I stupid?
Am I stupid to love you so much that I will fall for that cliff over and over for you?
Probably.
