They say it doesn't exist.
They say it's just a myth, a figment of a person's creative and wild imagination. They say it's just something that people make to justify that familiar feeling you get when you first had your accidental but fated eye contact with each other.
Soulmates. That's what I'm referring to.
Pretty sure everyone has heard of it once in their lives. Soulmates are two souls that has formed an extraordinary connection with each other. It ranges from between two couples to two friends and even to two strangers. Others are lucky to have met their soulmates in this lifetime. Others are not so fortunate.
However, that one night back in November, I knew I met mine.
Strolling casually on a windy Saturday night, I was about to go to a supermarket to buy groceries. I've ran out of stock with food and other supplies. Nobody in the house would want to do it at this time of night but me. I volunteered because it also meant I could enjoy a peaceful walk outside.
So much for it being peaceful.
As I gazed into the night sky, I felt my body bumped into contact with something. I looked down as I felt it wasn't at the same size as me and immediately felt something forming from just one look at her.
Her. Yes, I bumped into a person.
She had medium-length hair that was only a few inches below her shoulder. She wore a cardigan on top her seemingly blue t-shirt and a pair of jogging pants that looked like they were part of a school uniform due to a logo present on one of its legs. On her hands were plastic bags that I presumed would be full of groceries.
She looked up at me and our gazes met for the first time. She had a fiery and bright brown eyes that sent my once cold heart into flames. I felt the world stopped turning and that time stopped flowing by. With just one look, I felt a strong connection with her. I felt like I knew her from such a long ago. It felt like I've seen her before even though I have no recollection of her from my memories.
Who was this person?
She breathed a quiet "sorry" and broke our eye contact before she quickly passed by me. I stood frozen on my spot and was tempted to go and chase her. But I didn't. Instead, I just heaved a sigh and continued my trip to the supermarket.
I thought that was the end of it despite how many nights that her eyes haunted me in my dreams. But then, another Saturday, another windy night, I bumped into her again. The same cardigan, a different colored shirt, and a jogging pants. Her eyes widened upon recognizing me, the one she bumped into from another November Saturday. Again, she muttered a "sorry" and was about to pass by me but I caught her arm. It immediately sent electricity towards my whole veins. Did she feel it, too?
She looked back at me and that started everything. Her name is Daisy. She's as beautiful as one. After that night, we began talking to each other and we couldn't stop. Our conversations were dynamic. What came inside of our mind would immediately be the topic and the conversation would never stop. She made it hard to stop talking to her.
We met up every Saturday on a bench near where we first bumped into each other. We would just enjoy a casual conversation with each other underneath the glittery night sky. There would be a brief silence in which we would just look at each other's eyes. It wasn't the awkward kind. It was comforting. Without even saying a word, there wasn't anything unsettling within the atmosphere. With just being by her, everything just felt right. There was never a dull moment between the two of us.
Daisy and I became friends. Best of friends. We learned each other's interests, habits, dreams, and fears. We realized we view the world with the same perceptions. We basically learned each other's lives as well. Soon after, we visited each other's houses and just hang out. We visited other places as well where we just felt free from the chains that binded us with reality. She was a free-spirit and I longed to be within her presence.
One day, I realized something that I never wanted to accept. I fell for her. Hard. I fell for the vivid and colorful aura that surrounded her being. I fell for the fire and passion in her eyes that lit up when talking about her interests. I fell for her soft-hearted and empathic side when she would just hug me whenever I felt like crying. I fell for her smile that were a thousand times brighter than the sun and that also brought warmth to every day and every night that we were together.
It scared me. Ironically. It was overwhelming. The feeling of racing hearts whenever she would be around overwhelmed me. The stuttering I started to develop when we're talking made the atmosphere awkward between us. The redness of my cheeks whenever she would smile that darn smile at me made it obvious.
It scared me. I love her. I longed to be by her side forever.
How to tell her? How do I tell her I love her? How to tell her that I think we're soulmates?
Or maybe there's no need to tell that we are. Because maybe she already knew.
Everyday being by her side made me feel at ease and terrified. Paradoxical. I wanted the uneasiness to stop. I wanted my heart to start beating normally again. I wanted to breathe again and not feel breathless with the sight of her.
So I made the dumbest decision ever. I started to avoid her.
There were missed calls. There were unread messages. There were surprise visits that went unattended. I watched her wait on that cursed bench every Saturday. It broke my heart seeing her glance at the wristwatch I gave her on her birthday to check the time tick uselessly as I would never come out of my hiding spot. I felt her sadness illuminating her once bright auras.
But I guess it was better off this way.
You see, I was a disturbed soul. A cold-hearted individual. Someone who would never get out of the dark place I came from. I was someone dangerous. I was corrupted and insane.
The last thing I want to do is to hurt her. I could never hurt such a precious and breathtaking soul. I could never. I don't want her to become a disturbed soul like me. I don't want her luminance become dark because of me.
She's going to be perfectly fine without me. Maybe we're not soulmates after all. Or maybe we are but we're just not meant to be together.
However, believe me when I say, I regret my actions so much. Everytime I stared at my reflections at the mirror when I was still with her, I didn't see myself as disturbed. She didn't view me like that either. She described me as a beautiful and vulnerable soul. She could see right through me. I was just lost but not disturbed. I was just pained but not completely broken. I just needed fixing and I wouldn't stay like this forever. That's what she would tell me.
And I didn't believe her out of fear. I would just hurt her.
I knew she loved me. I felt that. I told you, we had a connection. We will always have that connection. I was just blinded. I regret not fighting back my fears.
Now, here I am on the wedding of the year. Daisy and with the same guy that broke her over and over that almost tainted her pure soul. I watch her walk down the aisle gracefully and delicately. I am at the far end of the church, hiding. Even if we don't talk, I know that she isn't happy with this marriage.
I watch her look into this bloke's eyes with a tired and lonely gaze that is just covered with her lovely yet dead smile. She doesn't smile the same mesmerizing smile that she shows to me. Her eyes aren't as fiery and passionate as before. Her aura is filled with fatigue and dread.
On my spot, I want to cry. I never want things to end up like this with her. She deserves so much more than this.
If only the words I wanted to tell her were just said. Instead of being left unsaid. Maybe, just maybe, my soulmate would've been as vibrant as the stars again.
