«I was maybe nine. I was in elementary school, with old schoolmates who, as usual, ignored me. On the paper, I was scribbling a drawing, which I can't tell you what it was. My classmate picked it up and tossed it to those sitting behind us. There was nothing wrong with that sketch, and I don't remember this thing ever happening, but in the dream, I felt misunderstood. Nobody understood what I meant with that pencil.»
I stop, letting myself be convinced by my own lies. For a lie to hold, the first to believe it must be the one who utters it. In my case, it can be risky, but if I don't introduce something I believe in, I'll never be able to convince the attentive Maria.
«Someone knocks on the door, and I don't turn around sure it's the janitor. But when she comes a few steps away from me, I look up and remain incredulous. It's me, me as you see me now. She takes me by the hand and leads me outside, and from that moment I believe it becomes my conscience. She talks to me about many episodes, she repeats the phrases that most humiliated me. I don't remember much, but at the end of it all she asked me: "Do you really want them to win?". Then she disappeared, and I found myself in front of a tombstone, next to which my mother shouted insults. I tried to talk to her, to tell her to be quiet, but she couldn't hear me. It all ended when my father arrived, he took her by the hand, and they left without even leaving a flower.»
I'm not lying here, I'm really afraid that if something happens to me they might hate me more than they already do.
«Do you think you give your parents all the tools they need to understand you?»
«I shouldn't have told you anything. It always ends like this.»
I try to get up but she holds me by the arm.
«I didn't say you don't, because believe it or not I'm sure you've tried more than once. Maybe in a way they haven't understood, but that isn't your fault. If you want to go now go, the conversation was very stimulating, albeit short. But first tell me: are you sure you want to stay here over the weekend too? Serena is the only one to do it, but for very different reasons.»
I don't know what Serena's motives are, but my goal is clear.
«Maria, I wasn't leaving because I believe you judge me. Anyway yes, I'm sure. I'll want to go home when I understand how to meet the only people I know who love me, even if I feel a lot of anger.»
«All right. Even if I call them, you know they would like to talk to you, so they could come here.»
«Will you help me explain why?»
It has already happened that we all talked together, and it was a little easier.
«Sure. But don't claim victory just yet, I have to talk to the director too.»
«Thanks» I say hugging her.
---------------
«Now tell me what the meaning is.»
Anna doesn't agree with Luisa on yet another movie we're watching. Small quarrels often break out between them, from which I always keep the distance. Serena doesn't sit with us on the sofa, she always chooses to enjoy the space of the armchair.
«Anna but why don't you understand?»
«Because there's nothing to understand. Look, if everyone says that a movie is good, it doesn't mean that it really is.»
«Before you met me, the most sensible film you had seen was...»
«Why don't you both go behind the television?» Serena interrupts.
«But do you hear what she is saying?»
«Yes Luisa, because I'm not hearing anything else. It's seven o'clock, in an hour and a half we have dinner, and I hoped, I said I hoped, to be able to stay a little quiet without thinking about anything. But every time we look at something, you end up fighting. So I ask you: why don't you go behind the TV and do a nice little show? At least I also see what I hear.»
Admittedly, she is right. I didn't understand much of the plot either. Serena continues to urge them to get up, while both are silent.
«We should be able to discuss the movies after watching them, what do you think? At least we would have something else to do, given that every time we find ourselves with nothing to do.»
They seem to accept the proposal and the movie starts again. Peace, however, lasts no more than ten minutes.
«If I don't leave I'll end up hurting you» Serena snaps as she leaves the room.
«But why does she react like this?»
«Anna, can you believe it if I tell you that up to now I haven't understood anything? It makes no sense to watch movies like that, she is right.»
I almost immediately regret saying that.
«Why don't you stay in the same room? You always agree with her.»
«What's that got to do with anything? I just said that I didn't understand much either.»
«Enough now, really. How about reaching Serena? Maybe with an apology tea.»
Without Luisa saying anything else, we get up from the sofa and prepare four glasses. Once outside we find Serena leaning against the balcony railing. Strangely, she isn't smoking. Come to think of it, today I haven't seen her doing it yet.
«Take this, Sere, and excuse us.»
Luisa and Anna approach her sincerely sorry.
«Thank you. I swear I would kill for a coffee, and also for a cigarette. I guess you don't have any.»
None of us can take it, caffeine and nicotine are off-limits. Serena, being of age, is the only one who is allowed to smoke, as long as she smokes no more than three cigarettes a day. When she buys a pack she gives it to Maria who, every morning, gives Serena only three cigarettes. It's a solution that they've agreed, while that of not smoking in front of us is an order. By disobeying it, she would risk being sent away, and being here of her own free will she's particularly keen to stay.
«Have you already smoked three cigarettes today? Usually, you always have one for after dinner.»
«Actually, I don't have any.»
I notice a tone of sadness. Maybe I shouldn't have asked.
«It never happened» Anna intervenes, frustrating my silence.
«Yeah, I hadn't quite hit bottom yet. I need to go and lie down for a moment, I'm not feeling very well.»
Serena walks away thanking again for the tea.
«Maybe I should have shut up» Anna says sincerely sorry.
«You say that if I try to go talk to her she gets annoyed?»
«Aurora, how many times has Serena talked to someone without being the one to initiate?»
Luisa's question is justified, but I feel it might be different this time.
«I want to try» I dash to her room, but in the corridor, I'm intercepted by Maria.
«Aurora, I need to talk to you for a moment.»
YOU ARE READING
Aurora's Shadow
RomanceAurora, forced into an eating disorder clinic at 17 years old, decides to find a compromise not to remain under observation. Her choices will lead her along a path full of lies, pain, unspoken anger, and false joys until, at the age of twenty, Tyler...
