Aurora's Shadow

Chapter 4

«I didn't expect anything else from my mother.»

«Aurora, it's a normal reaction. She fears that you want to detach yourself, or that you blame her.»

«But I want to detach myself» I avoid adding that I want to do it as soon as possible.

«And what about the faults?»

«Maria I don't blame anyone, not even me. I said maybe I could be wrong, but I still believe everything is normal.»

It is. I can't understand the excessive alarmism that has invested everyone.

«All right. What do you think you will tell her tomorrow?»

«I'm afraid we'll fight. When she feels sorry for something she becomes aggressive.»

«The important thing is that you'll be the one to remain calm.»

Not that I have a choice.

«You can rest assured, I'll try. Can I ask you something?»

«Sure.»

«Did Serena give you the usual pack of cigarettes?»

«Why do you ask?»

She must have thought I wanted one.

«I know I can't smoke, that's not why I asked for it. She looks strange, I mean more than usual. I was on my way to her when you stopped me in the corridor.»

«I can't tell you what I talk about with the other girls, you know that. But it's nice that you want to talk to her.»

I think whoever is here has more than valid reasons. Serena, Anna, and Luisa, for example, don't have any physical defects, unlike me. I would like to repeat it to them every day, but when the speech came out it didn't end well, and since then we've promised ourselves not to touch this topic again.

«I would love it if she made it easier. Unfortunately, she isn't very expansive. I don't mean that me or the others tell everything, that's not the case. But she...»

«Everyone is made in their own way. What do you think is the biggest difference between you two?»

«Besides the fact that I have no reason to be here? I would say her will to be here.»

I should have avoided answering like that. It's a misstep, and every time I take one, I walk away from the finish line.

«So you have no reason to be here, but she does. Why?»

I have to give her the answer she expect, I can't do otherwise.

«Serena is beautiful, there is nothing wrong with her body. So I think she needs help figuring it out, and you, especially you, can give it to her.»

«While there is really something wrong with you, so your behaviors are legitimate.»

Well, how can I get out of it?

«Maria, I don't want to lie to you and so I say yes, that's what I think. But I'm starting to realize that if I do something wrong I can't realize it, and maybe you can open my eyes. It's like a challenge.»

She sighs and uncrosses her legs, leaning forward. I maintain the same posture, even if the chair now seems to want to break, letting me fall at any moment.

«Aurora, suppose you spend another month here. Suppose you finally go home in September, start going to the new school, meet people, and so on. You know you should come back here for weekly meetings, right?»

If she understands everything from the beginning, I have no chance.

«Why are you telling me?»

«Because I have a strange feeling.»

Whatever I do I won't be able to leave before September, she made it clear to me. She observes me carefully, it seems that she's reading the thoughts on my forehead. I don't have to oppose what she says, it will only make things worse. How did she, from Serena's question, divert the conversation? I'll have to play a game even if I don't know the rules.

«I'm well aware of that Maria, don't worry.»

I feel uncomfortable, and it doesn't happen often with her.

«Okay Aurora, you can go. We're having dinner in a while and maybe you need to be alone for a moment.»

I walk out of her office and fight myself not to slam the door. But who does she think she is to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, to tell me where to go and where not? I go through the door of Serena's room, I've lost the desire to try to comfort her. I have something more important to think about.

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Dinners take place in a small dining room, where various employees of the clinic also eat their meals. They don't say it, but this is where their evaluations come to life. Lucia and Anna talk about something that can't reach me, Serena sits with a friend of her at a few tables away, and I continue to roll a piece of salad on the plate. Sooner or later I'll have to eat it, as well as the chicken breast it serves as a side dish. I've been thinking about it lying down until now, and I have only one choice: to gain weight. I weigh enough already, which is why I wasn't labeled anorexic but bulimic, which already says it all about their mistake in keeping me here. But they obviously want me to get even fatter, or to eat like anyone else. What does it matter if I get sick at the thought, the important thing for them isn't that I'm well, but that I adapt to their ideas of well-being. Like it or not, my parents have a lot of say in the matter. Okay then. With the promise that out of here I'll train like never before, I take out the second brick.