Aurora's Shadow

Chapter 13

They have won the game and, as happens the rare times they do, we are eating in our trusted pizzeria. And like every time, I would have preferred to stay at home.

«You haven't eaten anything yet» says Marco, noticing that my pizza is only missing a slice. Today I just can't, I'm having a harder time than usual.

«I'm not feeling very well» I say to cut it short.

«Come on, we win and you don't celebrate?» Alessandro says, starting an unconscious chorus which, out of exhaustion, forces me to eat.

Each slice has the hardness of concrete, each bite ingested insistently makes its way towards a well that begins to fill up. The food rises, silent amid the laughter and celebration of my companions. None of them hear it, but I do. Its stench envelops me, creating a shield that isolates me from those present.

And here I am, alone and unreachable, again, trying to keep the unwanted guest in his dark corner. There is no room at this table for a sixth element, if they saw him they would send me away too, just to not accept his presence.

I jump to my feet too quickly.

«Aurora, are you all right?» asks Teresa who notices the rush.

«Yes sure, I'm just going to the bathroom for a moment.»

«Come on, let's order dessert as soon as you come back» says the one who most of all must remain in the dark.

His words, however, only increase the malaise.

Once in the bathroom I make sure that no one can hear, then I kneel at my altar.

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Lies are useless, this is my life. Wonderful days in the company of people who manage, in most cases, to keep my thoughts away. Days spent with those who now want me, accept me and even look for me, differently from how it used to be, when people like them hated me.

Days that, without me being able to do anything about it, always end in the same way: with me realizing that they are looking for me only because they haven't known me before.

Would Teresa be happy to shop with me if I weren't always smiling?

Would Alessandro and Antonio accept me as their best friend's girlfriend if, from those stands, there was a withered leaf cheering on them?

Marco would kiss me again if he saw me...

Any question I ask myself, the answer is only one: no.

There are people who live happily while managing to keep a safe distance from problems. They wisely avoid them, knowing that there is no gain in wearing the dirty lenses of depression, fear, problems. They live contented with happiness, without wanting to discover what it feels like to touch the abyss of the unknown.

What fault do they have, who smile at each new dawn? I can't hold them accountable for my distressing nights, because they are not. I can only thank them for their unawareness, because through it they remind me that I am the one who has something wrong, and that I have to fight to keep it hidden.

I would just like not to feel them so distant, I would like not to perceive them as mere extras in a story that I fear won't last.