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Ohh, this is going to be a strange topic. Since I certainly don't like talking about past likings, it was the definition of a disaster. I only had a real crush on three people but damn did it hurt.
It went on like five levels to say, one when I was in kindergarten, he was the art teacher's son. To say he had the aurora of a bad boy would be understandabl, I can't even remember his name, but what I remember is that he had coloured eyes maybe blue maybe green, I don't know. He had silk black hair and from the image in my head he had very pale skin, which was strange for me when I was young cause we lived in a very hot place, but maybe he used sunscreen, thinking about it now, I really wanna know what the art teacher use for her and his skin care cause damn was it fabulous.
Next. This is a bit embarrassing, but I had a crush on my father's friend's son, he was as old as my older sister. Our first was a disaster, cause I kept forgetting his name a lot, he and my sister would hang out, he would teach me how to play playstation or something, I don't remember the name. His name stared with a K. He was the kind of nerd boy with charms, I think he had brown eyes and golden hair, how much i wanted to play with. I was a kid back then, his mother and my mom still talk, not much but enough every now and then, they had history after all.
Went through primary school smoothly, except when there was said that I like a kid in our class, his name was [A...] I don't remember his last even though we are still in class together. Truth to be said I didn't like him, it was just the rush of adrenaline when he talked to me, cause it was the first time in a while a boy had talked to me. Definitely had some embarrassing moments with him, not ready to even admit them.
Now, we are getting to the main three.
First was [A.T], he was my first crush that I actually... I don't know, but he wasn't special. Or was he? He played football and had adam apple and was pretty smart, but just as I was making fantasies again, I found out that he liked my friend and was in a relationship, he said he doesn't want anymore relationships or was he said or something. I don't remember( I had been saying this a lot). Why was he that special to me? I don't know, most of our talks are just scolding each other, him saying Math is easy, me saying Science is better. He had some moments that made me want to kill him, but thinking about it, we didn't talk or had that much of moments. It could be counted on the hand. Moral of the story, I learned that he went through a heartbreak and didn't seem interested, but what was interesting is that the time they were in a relationship, there was a rumour that him and the girl he liked were in a relationship. Was I affected that much when I found out he talked to my friend? Two years ago, yes. Now, I don't think of him that much anymore. It was a phase as I thought, still don't know why my friends still think i like him.
The second one, the one that was the longest to say, since fifth grade i had been crushing on him, our families are great friends. I talked to him, got butterflies and all the same fantasies but bigger, I had hope for this one, only to find out that he sees me as his sister and nothing more, also he was in a relationship and also emotionally unavailable. Like I love my luck. We got into a fight, bo sure I want to recall memories cause it ended badly. I really don't know what to do especially since we would got visit them from time to time. His name is [A.S], apparently I have a thing for As or something. He had dark brown hair and a lovely laugh. I remembered when I found out that somebody had a crush on him. Was I jealous? Very. Now? Everytime I think of him I want to puke.
The third and last one for now. Oh did he hurt so much, I don't think I would move on easily. He is just... breath taking, words could never describe how magnificent he is. Our first talk was strange, he gave me some great words, I talked to him when I was crying. It felt great, to know that somebody understand. We still talk, I think. But here is the problem, he already love someone else. Even though I am aware I still caught feelings, I can't hate him or who he loves, because they make him smile. He is happy. All that I could wish for, yes I'm a bit jealous but I don't want for those feelings to ruin the friendship, especially a one like this. Like in a short time I felt safe. I knew that I was doing something wrong but I still liked him. I still do. I remember telling my friends about him and them saying I'm in love. Like yeah, I think I'm. But it could never work, why? Because I know myself, I am someone that is hard to handle, I hardly know how to keep friends, I get angry. I fuck shit up. I would describe myself as a walking annoying thing. And this isn't me trying to sound ... I don't know. But really, I get annoying, I get frustrated, I have to hold myself form just cutting ties with everyone. It hurts you know, I had hope for some reason, I wished it could happen. I wanted it to happen. I still do. But I know that it would never be true. He deserves someone to treat him right. And I'm definitely not that person.
I don't thing I will have the guts to put even the first letters of his name, cause I want it to sink, I want those feelings to go away, but they don't. They are still there. They still come back stronger every time. And it just says how much I'm of an idoit. I wish there was a way.
