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I think I have made it clear multiple times that I'm not a top fan of myself. You always ask why, and then when you get the answer you would deny what's said and say I'm great or that I'm pretty... Those words meant the world to me, it might have been told hundreds of times to me, but when you said them, sadly it was different, it was special. I don't want it to be. But something that I have grown with, is I wouldn't be convinced by something that easily, especially when it's myself. So as much as your words meant to me, it won't change the truth or what I see as the truth.
To start, I always hated how my voice sounded, how high and irritating it gets, I hate how fast I would talk that no one could get it. The shape of my lips was never... Great? It is uneven and it's chapped. I always how my breath stinks and I have to wash my teeth multiple times just to get a normal breath. I always wished for even and white teeth, I wish I could get rid of the awkward smile that has. I hate how sometimes I forget about facial hair that many people comment on it.
Then comes the lovely nose. Oh how much I wish I could get rid of it, how enormous and uneven it is. It's becoming hard to look at the mirror because of it, it just ruins everything, I can not wear glasses as it makes it seems bigger. It's strange to look at others and see them have a normal-looking nose, or how it seems to be broken and the slight bruise on it.
Or my eyes, and their common colour that looks pretty on everyone but me. If I have I have to count my least favourite parts, my eyes would come after my nose, and the dark circles under them. Making me look dull. It never pops off like my sisters'.
I wish people would stop looking at me with sad eyes like I'm always unhappy... Or looking happy... I remember the teacher's word, that she would give me the crying mother role cause I always look miserable. Or when my friends commented on how I walk with a straight face, no reaction on it. I wish my double chin would fade away.
The thought of my body alone brings my soul a good amount of bitterness, I have bones appearing on places and others having too much... I wish I had a flatter stomach and a better body.
I have to come clear to myself at some point, I have to stop those habits... Going with my all-time favourite, playing the victim. Oh, how many times have I played the victim, shedding the fact that I was wrong. I mastered the art of crying when things don't go my way. Spinning the truth in a way that makes it seem almost so true, but there was always something that would make me fall. I guess you could say that that fall would wake me up and make me realise how horrible I'm. But that fall wouldn't last forever and sometimes that guilt-tripping thing stops so I would just go back to where I was.
I think I have told you one time about how my family is great, how much I'm grateful for my mother. I wish I could go back in time and work harder, to take back everything I had said to them, I was and still am nothing but an ungrateful person, I have always wished for more while they tried to teach me to be thankful for what is in hand, I want to go back and make it all right.
I want to go back and stop being selfish and arrogant. I want to take those mean words that I had thrown into the face of people and take them back, I don't want to be seen as that unpleasant person. I have a reputation for being rude. That's not what I want people to know me for.
I want to go back and stop myself from telling those silly lies that hurt others. I wish I would go back and apologise to the old man that I was mean to when I was angry.
All the screaming at my friends and my family... I want to take all of them back.
I want to stop being irresponsible and impatient. I want to be like my mother, I want people to stop having the image that I can not change...
This was a bit of a roller coaster, well, I guess we are stopping here. I wanted to say more but words couldn't find words so I'll keep it in. Anyways, I wish I could apologise to you without feeling like a coward.
