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I hate myself for several reasons, but this one specifically makes me want to just disappear. We talked again, and the bond became strong again. Butterflies erupted at your voice, you kept saying sweet things and raising my hopes, you kept talking about how great I'm, we sent long texts and voice messages. You finally opened up to me, it was always me talking and complaining. The text of how you are proud of me for simple things just made my heart flutter. And I hate you for it, I hate you for giving me hope, I hate you for making me love you when you are emotionally unavailable. I hate you for making me believe I had a chance, why haven't you said anything? Why would I have to be surprised in the middle of the night that you are in a relationship? I know you shouldn't say anything or clear anything but... You gave me strange signals. I know being nice to someone isn't a signal, but you would stay up all night and talk to me, I know this was not a sign, but you said you cared and when I disappeared for a week you said you missed me. You told me you love me... In a friendly way.
But I still took simple things as signs. I shouldn't imagine myself in a relationship with you, cause it is never going to happen, and I am not trying to be dramatic, but it is the truth, I'm not going to put myself down, it is just never going to happen and never going to work. I want to stay in my lane and not screw things as I did a week ago and almost blew my cover and you would have known... If you don't already... If you know, I don't what to say... But a part of me says that you are an awful person for letting me talk to you when I have feelings for you and you said nothing. It's just so absurd, for me to think that we would together and we would last, as if I'm a person who can stay in a relationship for a long time, it would never work.
I wish it would get into my head and would stop me from creating fantasies that would go nowhere. I need to learn, I want to take a step back, stop talking to you and try to move on. Cause I know how foolish is this.
So I guess this is some sort of an apology but I really need to take some time to myself as you said.
Anyway, that's enough for this letter, maybe I should stop thinking that I would actually send them.
