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Since I was a young kid and I always had everything planned, it may have created a habit to always have a plan in everything. Even if things went wrong, there was always a plan. It created a sense of safety in my life. But now, I don't know what the hell is going on to have a plan. Everyone's words are becoming blurry. I can't focus on anything that is being told or ordered, my mind is in a state where it should be thinking of a certain thing but I'm unable to know what it is. Nothing is making sense. I have to make people repeat what they said three times to get. I send texts that make no sense. When sitting in a crowd and they are talking, I can hear them but I can't understand what is said.
This strange feeling and I'm not fond of it. It seems like my brain stopped processing. It's getting hard to adjust anywhere. I don't know what my mothers want, what my friends say and what had been clear before is now a mystery, I feel helpless most of the time, I don't know who to listen to and who not to.
The goals that had been clear since I was young now seem hard to reach, I can never put enough effort into something. It seems like everything matters and nothing matters. The control I had on myself is gone, I don't want to do anything but I want to do everything. I fear not reaching my dreams but I don't have the power to.
Some things that used to matter and phase are now nothing. I don't know what I'm doing and it angers me. I don't get myself anymore, I cry a lot lately for no reason.
I feel like everyone is pressuring me when they are doing nothing, I feel like something is missing. I don't have enough words to describe how I feel. And I'm afraid you won't get it. Everything suddenly becomes so hard to either process or work with. I wish I could just get out of my brain.
