I'm Sorry

You

Every time we talk, memories of how we met float in my mind. The first time I saw you from afar talking to your friend, it was the end of the school day. Your smile echoed through my ears like a sweet melody. You then looked up, smiled and did a little wave. A girl beside me waved back. You excused yourself and walk towards her and you hugged each other. Both of you walked away with your arm around her shoulder. The next day I found out that the three of us shared some classes. I didn't focus that much and went on until we were in chemistry class and the teacher let the class have the last fifteen minutes for themselves. You were talking to two of your friends behind me. After a while I didn't hear your voice, only the other two, it went like that for twelve seconds. Suddenly you said loudly: "Hey, that's really good."

That brought the attention of the others and they asked about it and answered. I stayed quiet, trying to regulate my heartbeat. My breath hitched and it took me a minute to take control of myself. I lifted my head, saying thanks and then turned around, back to what I was doing, truth was, you caught me by surprise that my response was so bad. I clenched every time I thought of it.

Days went by and no interaction between us took place, I couldn't blame you, I just stormed off, I told my friend and they kept saying that I made it awkward. I wanted to apologise, multiple times but I never gained the courage to. So I let it be. I never thought you would talk to me again. But in the English class, the teacher gave us an assignment; an essay, about a story. I don't remember correctly what it was. But when the class finished and I went to the library, I found you there with a book in hand. You were reading while you were standing. It seemed like you were just checking the book, then you closed it and looked up. The edges of your lips were lifted upward. Maybe you said something because both of your friends also looked at me, the three of you waved at me. I had to blink twice to believe that they were waving at me.

Somehow I ended sitting at the table you were sitting at. You turned to me with a light smile. "Hi."

I responded with a simple hello and the lack of knowing how to start a conversation took over.

"Hey, I see you here a lot, maybe you know some good books around here?"

"Um, yeah, there are some good books on the shelf next to library-teacher-er not sure what he is called."

You nodded and your friends chuckled lightly. I didn't know what to do so I got my book from my bag to do my bag. When you suddenly turned your head to me.

"So, the English homework..."

"Uh, yeah."

"I think he is a bit harsh, I'm not sure I can write all of that."

"It's not that hard."

You tilted your head, saying," A Science nerd and also an English nerd?"

"I'm not a nerd and science?"

"We are together in chemistry, biology and physics. Don't you know?"

I was too embarrassed to shake my head so I didn't answer. But thank the Lord your friend saved the situation by groaning about her essay. I asked to see it and it had some mistakes that when I looked at her I didn't know how to tell her so I said it was great. When she pulled the paper back I couldn't hold it so I pointed it out. Only to want to disappear. I lowered my head expected some... I don't know, but I wasn't expecting her response as she said thank you and you are a life saviour, you batted on my shoulder. Saying, "from now on you are reviewing our English essays... Also, I'm sorry if I freaked you out the last time, I didn't mean it but really your writing is so beautiful."

I was sure if I could blush, I would have been a tomato.

The days went by and you would randomly talk to me in class only to be hissed by the teacher. On a random Tuesday, I got a text from you. It was strange, only to find myself talking to you for three straight hours. For three straight hours, we talked about random things and all of that time, I had a silly smile on my face.

It kept happening for a long time, we would talk for long hours, one time we stayed till nine a.m. talking, in that time, the number of times I had jumped on my bed or wanted to squeak. You called me pretty and I had to stop for a second. It was meant to be a pretty time. But as time passed, we would talk less and less, it was for a good reason, exams were coming close. I had to close my phone to study. When I would open, I would always spam you messages, you were my safe person, I had grown fond of you in a short time. I would open from week to week, excepting some messages from you. Only to find one is sent. I thought it would be a long one, but it was a short one. Some even go with sad, I'm sorry, okay...etc

Sometimes you would ignore the texts where I would cry. But I still couldn't be angry at you, cause at the same time, when I would be dying, you would talk to me, make me feel better. But that wasn't for long.

On the last day of exams, I saw you talking to one of your friends, you tilted your head at something they said, then smiled. Your eyes caught mine, I thought you would wave or do any sign but you turned back to the person. It was until I finally saw the face of that person. It was one of your friends, one that I had helped with their homework. The look in your eyes was not just looking at a friend. You held hands and kissed her forehead. I am not sure what that left on me but it sure hurt. At first, I was confused, why would it?

Only later I realise it, I wasn't ready to admit it, nor I'm now, it's not something to be proud of, it only means I'm an awful person.

Remember when I wrote about crushes, those were silly. But... I love you.
Not in a friendly way, the other way, and it hurts so much, knowing there won't be even a close chance and at the same time, I can not hate either of you, cause she is one of the nicest people I have known and you... I don't think I can ever hate you, I have become a better person because of you. What kind of feelings I have are wrong, at least for the current situation. I just wish you are happy and I'm glad you found someone who makes you smile.

Yours,
Me.