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This is something that I can talk about for as long as I can and even if it's messy, that's the point. That's what school makes me feel. Messy, confused and tired. A lot of things make me feel like this but school is the main one.
Let's start with the beginning:
• The first memory I have of school is when I was little like four-five years old. The teacher was saying something but I couldn't make up the words, she then started showing pictures of random things. I didn't understand why were we learning it, cause all I could think of was when my father would come and take me. I don't remember any of the kids there, but something for sure is that I only had one friend. And two nice kids who were kind enough to talk to me. Nothing much of this period except me not liking the food and us taking class pictures. It was peaceful then, I think.
Next:
• This was for three years, in them, you could say I gained some good trauma to make me stay up all night. The first year all I could remember was wanting to leave the class, thinking if I ran away that the camera would take a picture. Maybe that was the main reason I wanted to be the fastest kid in class, but I could never be like my sister or half of my class, I was relatively slow, very slow. The times I wanted to beat kids at my class only to end up kike the tenth or something. So I guess that's when I started to care about my grades and put so much time into studying. I remember solving all the math problems that the teacher gave us and even solving ones we hadn't take. • Here comes the second part, I started working so hard for someone in second grade, studying all the subjects and reading further than the teacher had given us, I started getting high marks. I would get first place in the class. Finally, I felt great, I had been first, not in running but with my brain, I always had the idea that the ones that were so arrogant were not even good enough to be top ten, they didn't have good grades nor even completed with me when it comes to studying. I guess that is where my ego started to grow and I started to think of people lesser than me. I have to confess, I was an asshole of a kid. Here comes the part where I started to be bad:
• There was a girl in our class that I would always fight with. But she had always had good sweets and pens that I wanted to use. So I would try to get closer to her so I could use them. I wish that it stopped there, there was a short girl in our class, I constantly thought that she should be in a grade lower than us. She wouldn't know how to solve things so I would help her... In exchange for popcorn or whatever kind of sweets she had. It was a great friendship. • I talked to a teacher's kid, they didn't talk so I said they didn't talk or something, I can not remember correctly, but the rumour spread like fire and it was that I called the girl dumb and she cried or something and the teacher talked to me. The moral parallel of the story, I should have watched my mouth cause that shit could have gotten me expelled or something. • I was always jealous of everyone in my class, I always felt like I'm lesser than them, I still do but maybe I found people that I relate to so it made it easier. It's hard to find someone those days that you can relate to. Took me four years, and even those I don't feel comfortable with. • I envy everyone I know, literally in everything, it's becoming annoying. So much ungratefulness. I guess that is it for this letter, maybe I will be more organised next time.
