Mein Herz Brennt Für Dich

Chapter 126

"WHAT?!" Till's mom screamed after we told her that we were getting a divorce. 

Saskia immediately starting crying. "I'm sorry."

They both ran to Till and hugged them and I sat awkwardly in the corner sobbing softly to myself. They eventually walked over to me and hugged me. 

I explained to them the reasoning for it and Brigitte's face got red. 

"You knew what you were in for!" She pointed her finger at me. "You knew that he was going to be on tour! Now, you're going to go break his fucking heart because you don't want to feel any pain?!"

"Stop it," Till calmed his mom down. 

"YOU'RE SELFISH!" She cried. "You're breaking up a perfectly functional family-"

"STOP IT!" Till raised his voice. "It wasn't just her-it was me too! This was both of our decisions!"

Saskia hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Want to go on a walk?" I nodded my head and we walked around the block. 

"Divorce, huh?" She asked. 

"Yeah."

"Why? You love him."

"Sometimes, when you love people, you have to do the thing that hurts the most."

"You don't want to get into a divorce with him."

"Of course not. I don't want to, but I feel like I need to."

"Why?"

"The lifestyle. I don't want him to leave and me wondering when he'll be back. Well, I know when he'll be back, but it's too hard for me to live with. I don't want to be in a marriage where my spouse is gone most of our lives. And he'll barely be in Brenner's life."

"He's going to be less-involved in Brenner's life, if you think about it."

"Yeah, he will."

"Do you love Till?"

"Yes, I do. And I always will. Just because I'm getting into a divorce doesn't mean I'll stop loving him. He will always hold a special place in my heart-always and forever."

"Is he living elsewhere right now?"

"No, we're both living in the same house, but in different beds."

"Don't the kids suspect something is up?"

"Yeah, they ask constantly. But, we always tell them that they will find out when they're older. They think it has something to do with our age though," I chuckled. 

"How cute. How do you think the kids are going to take it?"

"I think they will be upset, but not as upset as it was with Peter-it's different."

"How?"

"I think you know how-Till isn't their actual dad. They're not going to see Till."

"Ever again?"

"I mean, for Brenner's birthday and stuff, but that might be the only occasion."

"You're just going to cut him out of their lives?"

"I'm not going to have them go to three different houses! That's too much for them to fucking handle. They're already stressed enough as it is."

"Till loves you, you know?" 

"And I love him."

"No, he loves you. The only reason why he's doing this is because you want to do it."

"I don't want to do it!" I snapped. "I don't want to!"

"Then don't do it!"

"I have to."

"You don't have to do anything."

"What do you suggest I do, then? Hm?"

"When is your guys' last trial?"

"In a couple of days."

"Really think it over, Rilla. Think about if this is what you want to do. You married Till-you vowed to be with him for the rest of your life. You have a motherfucking child with him, Rilla. You're not only going to break apart your marriage, but your family, too. It might be easier on Brenner, but it might not. He's going to miss his dad and you. You're going to have to come up with a schedule for him and all that shit that no one wants to go through."

I started crying. "I love him."

She pulled me into her and hugged me. "I know you do."

I felt empty and lost yet again. I felt as if I made the biggest mistake of my life, but I couldn't tell that to Saskia-I had to think it over. 

The next day, I drove to the record store and bought their new CD "Rosenrot". As I looked through the lyrics, one song popped out to me the most: "Wo Bist Du" which means "Where are you?" 

I asked a worker there if he knew the English lyrics and he did. He handed me a paper that had the English translations on it and I thanked him. I took it into my car after paying for the CD and read the lyrics. 

I covered my mouth as I started crying-the song was about me. I caused Till to write a depressing song. Even though no one knew what they were saying, it was still sad. I couldn't handle the thought of him writing that song on his couch while crying. He wrote the song out of frustration and heartbreak and sadness-all of those feelings I caused. 

I knew then and there that I made the biggest mistake of my life.