Whatever

Dear diary

   It's easy to lie. It's even easier to lie to yourself, when vulnerability is something you've forgotten about or at least pretended to . The reason I like to do stupid shit is that it makes people laugh, and when you've built a wall it's easy for you to laugh at it yourself.
  
   For years I've shunned my trauma deep down inside of me, and the parts it broke I tried to fix with pieces that didn't belong. Ciment glued onto itself doesn't break apart easily, but it can crack.
   The part of myself I've fucked the most is my sexuality. It's easy to walk away from a one night stand, you do what you have to and then you leave. Your physical needs are met, most of the time.
  
   Then comes along to someone, that hasn't been broken or at least hasn't broken someone else. These people have a tendency to not reciprocate the behaviours you learned and someone hurt you. They treat you with kindness with respect and you make you feel safe. What a lot of people don't realize is that for me at least, being safe is the most dangerous thing. Because when someone makes you feel safe, it's hard to fuck around and be toxic. It's hard to push them away and make them feel like an asshole. You can't lie to yourself or others around you because everyone including your animals self knows the truth. Especially when it's been a man that has hurt you, lied to you, used you, violated you, it's incredibly hard to trust them again. We say we know it's not all men, but when that one percent of men shows up it's terrifying. There's a difference between fucking and having sex. To be completely honest I forgotten what the difference was.

   Ive forgotten what it means to be respected. Be seen as more than an object to have your needs met and understood. It's hard to pretend like you don't care and that whatever happens won't hurt you, when it's already too late. Why couldn't you be just another asshole. Just another crazy story. Just another goddamn joke I could tell people when you fuck up.

   I have the answer: it's because you're not gonna fuck up.