Whatever

M.

   There's a saying that I heard once that mentioned that the time it takes to get over a breakup is the entire relationship halved. Thank god we only dated for 4 months.
   I made accounts in dating apps, and that's where I met M.. M. was kind, handsome, funny and charming, so when je offered to take me out for coffee, I agreed. The date went well, he treated me respectfully, paid for my coffee because quote "you have bills to pay, and I dont", as if coffee was gonna make a dent in my already plummeting budget.
   The date went so well in fact that a week later we went on an other one. He took me to the modern art museum which was great. I love modern art, patterns and bright colours make my brain really happy. "those fruits look like slugs" or "don't you think those trees look like the ones from the Lorax" were his attempt at making me giggle in an institution filled with snobs. Gotta give credit where it's due; I did laugh.
   We later went to a restaurant, the food was great and The conversation flowed like wine (or water in my case). Everything was great until we eventually got back to my place where it felt like he was stabbing me with his fingers for an hour, doing things I didn't like, putting things in places I didn't agree to, and making me do things I didn't want to.
   Let me preface by saying, it's not his fault. I'm the one that triggered myself for 2 days, because I'm the one that faked my small death so that he'd get off of me (multiple times), I'm the one that told him I came as to not hurt his ego, I let him virtually mutilate my body because I was afraid that if I told him I didn't like it, he would keep going until he got it right.
   When he left i felt empty. Then came confusion, Anger, Anxiety, Body dysmorphia, Tears, and eventually sleep. All I had were those feelings from years ago re-surface alongside the pain M. left me in. I felt dirty and used. I felt like I was used as a joke. But that's the trauma talking, he was just bad at what he was doing and I'm gonna say something if I need to with the next man that comes through the door.

But... THANK GOD IT WONT BE M.