sarah paulson mental health one shots

not hungry

cordelia goode - not hungry
content warning : anorexia
authors note : cordelia is a mother figure , not y/n's significant other

-

you were spiraling again. hunger, a feeling that would make most people go to the cabinet or the fridge to get something to eat, only made you more motivated. motivated to not eat. motivated to work out harder. hunger wasn't just a natural thing for you, it was a motivator, a weakness. it started years ago, switching on and off. but typically you would decide when it would come back, you always had control over it. this time, it had control over you. and it was eating away at you. whether you wanted to admit it or not. cordelia was always there for you. she helped you through your depression and always made sure you were doing okay.

"hey sweetie." she peaked her head in your doorway.

no response. you weren't trying to be rude, but you were exhausted and didn't feel like talking to anyone.

"are you coming down for breakfast?"

"no thanks, i'm not hungry."

"are you sure?"

"yes cordelia." you snapped at her a little.

"okay." she half smiled and shut your door.

hours passed and you were still sitting in your room until someone knocked on your door.

"come in."

it was cordelia.

"i could've been an axe murderer." she laughed.

you gave her a fake smile and she came over to where you were sitting.

"have you eaten yet today?"

"not yet, i must have forgotten."

lie.

you didn't forget, it was the only thing on your mind.

"honey, it's almost four. let me go make you something."

"i'm not hungry right now."

lie.

you were starving.

"y'know, some of the girls are worried about you. i'm worried about you, y/n."

"why would you be worried about me? i'm perfectly fine."

she raised an eyebrow at you.

fuck. she knew. you didn't know how much she knew, but anything was too much.

"cordelia, i'm fine."

"something tells me i shouldn't believe you."

"well, tell that 'something' to shut up, because i'm fine."

"y/n." she shot you the 'mom look'.

"i'm fine."

"how long are you going to say that before you get tired of lying?"

"until you leave me alone." you snapped.

she bit her lip, knowing that you weren't trying to hurt her feelings.

"y/n. talk to me."

"about what? there's nothing to talk about."

she opened her mouth to speak and you interrupted her.

"unless of course you want to talk about the lovely weather. or, or- get this- we could talk about th-"

"enough y/n."

"that's what i thought."

she placed her palm on her forehead and took a deep breath.

"y/n, talk to me. whatever is going on we can get through it, but i can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"please cordelia." she was overwhelming you and tears were filling your eyes. "i am fine."

"i'm not trying to overwhelm you, but you need to talk to me. i'm not leaving you alone until you tell me what is going on."

you knew she wasn't going to let up, so you sat there in silence.

"i know that you haven't been eating."

you exhaled loudly.

"what are you talking about?"

you were playing stupid, and she could tell.

"y/n." again with the 'mom look'.

you didn't know what to do. if you were honest she would make you get help, but if you lied she would know and you would have to keep lying over and over again. you sat there for a moment, not knowing what option to choose. tears were welling in your eyes and your throat hurt from holding them back.

"i'm so tired cordelia."

"i know sweetheart. come here."

you stood from your desk and collapsed into her arms. hot tears were rolling down your cheeks and cordelia could feel how frail you had become. worry filled her but she continued holding you.

"we'll find someone who can help you sweetie. i'm here. i've got you."

panic rushed through your veins as the words left her mouth. you didn't want to stop. even if you did want to stop, you couldn't. it had taken you over. the realization was hitting you like a pile of bricks.

"i can't stop now."

"i'll be here for you. the whole time."

"cordelia you don't get it."

"you're right, i don't. but i love you like you're my daughter, so i'm going to help you through this."

the two of you were still holding each other at this point, sobs still escaping you. she lifted you and laid you on your bed. you drifted off to sleep while she was out making her call.

once she came back in, she sat on the edge of the bed, observing you. she finally had a chance to take it all in without you being conscious to witness it. your lips were cracked and your eye bags were deep and purple. your body had become weak, and she could see how shallow your breath was. she began to choke trying to hold back tears. all she wanted was to protect you, and she had failed. and now she was desperately trying to save you, trying to salvage what was left of you. she had set up an appointment for you and now all she could do was wait.

she kissed your forehead and sat in the chair across from your bed, watching your shallow breaths.