sarah paulson mental health one shots

relapse

billie dean howard - relapse
content warning : anorexia, restriction, body image, body dysmorphia
authors note : okay a little important info, billie is y/ns fav teacher from her previous year and shes a close motherly figure for her

-

everything was going great, until it wasn't. there had been a month left in summer and you had turned back to your eating disorder for comfort on a bad day, and now you were spiraling. now you were back at school, and right back where you started a few months ago.

"y/n?" it was ms. howard.

you hadn't seen her since you'd relapsed.

"hi." you tried to sound as cheerful as possible, and she reached over to give you a hug.

as she pulled away and looked at you, worry took over her face, but she played it off.

"how are you?"

"i'm good, how are you?"

"i'm glad, and i'm well."

"i'm glad too."

"do you wanna have lunch in my room today? we can catch up?"

not lunch. god dammit.

"uh sure."

"okay! see you then."

you beamed at her and she turned around and continued down the hallway.

you spent the rest of the morning absolutely dreading going to lunch with her. eating school lunch was something you could never bring yourself to do, even before you relapsed, so you brought an apple for lunch. it was all sliced and in a container sitting in your backpack. what was she going to say when she realized that was your lunch? the thought occupied you until the lunch bell rang. shit.

you walked towards her classroom with a panicky feeling arising in your chest.

"hi! come in." she motioned for you to come in further.

you'd missed her. a lot

"here, take a seat." she pulled out the chair across from her own.

"how have you been?" you asked her as you sat down and pulled out your container of apples.

she glanced down from your face to your container, a concerned look taking over, quickly followed by a fake smile.

"i've been good. a little lonely, but good."

"lonely?"

she had a husband and two little girls, how could she be lonely?

"i suppose not lonely, just overwhelmed. but enough about me, how are you honey?"

you swallowed thickly, debating whether or not to tell her the truth, but you quickly made up your mind, realizing she'd make you stop if she found out.

"i'm really good." you sighed out, hoping you sounded convincing.

"are you sure?"

"i am positive." you reassured her.

she bought your lies - or at least pretended to - because you two spent the rest of the lunch period making small talk about your summer.

you spent the rest of your day in pain, physical and mental, waiting for the day to end. just as last period was about to end, you received an email.

'Hey y/n,

Could you come to my class after last period?

- Mrs. Howard'