sarah paulson mental health one shots

help

amanda - help
content warning : eating disorder and depression
summary : amanda is your teacher and a mother figure to you, and in the past she has helped you deal with your depression but now shes noticing your eating disorder

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"okay, that's all for today. have a great weekend."

you picked up your bookbag and started to make your way to the door.

"y/n, could you stay for a minute?"

you turned around and faced her. you technically could stay as long as you wanted, as it was a half day and you were about to go to your last period, which was lunch, and you didn't plan on eating either.

"have a seat." she tapped the seat across from her desk.

"what's up?" you asked, while taking a seat.

"i was just wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me? don't feel pressured or anything, i was just wondering since we haven't really had a chance to catch up lately.

"uh-" you were going to reject her offer. "of course."

she reached into her bag and pulled out a small lunch bag.

"are you eating?" she looked at you, while raising an eyebrow.

"not really hungry."

she swallowed and then inhaled.

"can i ask you something?"

you nodded.

"are you okay?"

"why wouldn't i be?"

"you just seem off lately, and i haven't seen you eating. i'm just starting to see a lot of the same behaviors that i saw at the beginning of the year, so i just wanted to check in."

"i eat at home."

"y/n, you don't have to lie."

"i'm not lying." you said, with a slightly whiny tone.

"we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." she took a bite of a cracker.

you sighed, needing to tell someone.

"fine." you admitted after a few moments of silence between the two of you.

she looked up from the table.

"i haven't been doing great lately," you paused. "with eating."

"do you want to talk about it?" she looked at you with a warm and welcoming face.

"i mean, what is there to talk about?"

"if you want to, you can just let it all out. it's safe here, with me."

"i just hate myself. so much. and i know how this works, i've done it before. no matter how small i get, i'll never ever be satisfied." you were tearing up now. "but i can't stop now. i'm committed to this awful illness. it's like i'm at a constant war with myself, and i just don't think i can do it anymore."

you were sobbing now.

"i'm gonna talk to someone who can help you, okay?"

"no, i didn't agree to that."

you were panicking at the idea of someone helping you.

"honey, i have to."

"no! you told me that it was safe here!"

"i know, but i need to keep you safe, and in order to do that, i need to get you help."

"i don't want help!" you were shouting and sobbing harder at this point.

"y/n, please calm down, you're working yourself up."

she was now holding you in her arms, trying to let you catch your breath. after you

managed to calm down a little, she loosened her grip on you.

"i know you're scared sweetie, but if you do this, you'll be glad you did."

"how can you be so sure?" the idea of looking in the mirror and seeing a person any bigger than you are now repulsed you. you already hated yourself.

"because i'm glad i got better all those years ago."

her statement shocked you.

"you...?"

"not an eating disorder. something else. but i didn't want to get better either. but i did. and i thank myself for that everyday. even on the hard days."

you twiddled with your fingers.

"will you be there to help me too?"

"of course i will."

"i guess you can. talk to them, i mean."

she nodded and sighed, still holding you.