sarah paulson mental health one shots

nothing.

cordelia foxx - nothing.
content warning : anorexia, suicidal ideation, specific numbers (weight/calories)
authors note : this entire part is cordelia's point of view. this one is pretty unconventional because y/n isnt actually in it but i'll most likely do a part two of like a follow up? idk i wanted to try something different, and it might suck so if you dont like it let me know please so i dont do it again.

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cordelia was so scared. you were falling apart and she felt absolutely useless. nothing she was doing was working anymore.

she had been the one who forced you to get help in the first place because you were technically under her custody as long as you were attending the academy and she was more of a mother to you than your own. it was a messy few months when you first started treatment, but at some point something happened and you dove head first into recovery. it didn't take long for you to fall right back into old habits a few months later and since then it had been impossible. nothing she was doing was working.

she was left hopeless.

and angry.

not angry at you, but at herself because she couldn't do more to help you.

your diary was in her hands.

she had been holding it for close to twenty minutes debating if it was wrong to read it.

if she read it you would be so pissed off, but maybe she would be able to find something in it that would allow her to help you. you had only had the diary since early december, but it might still have something.

she had to.

she would rather take the chance of you hating her than letting you die.

'11/5 - i cleaned today. sometimes when i clean i eat more because i feel like ive 'earned it'. i don't understand why. i didnt today though.'

'11/14 - i think cordelia is going to send me to residential. i dont blame her. i would too. its not her job to take care of me.'

'12/16 - this is unfair. i am a child. i shouldnt have to deal with this much.'

'12/19 - i hate christmas. i hate the food. i dont want it to happen.'

she had thought you were doing semi-okay around that time.

'12/26 - christmas sucked. i ate so much. im fasting today. im going to bake to distract myself.'

you had told cordelia that you tried every single you made that day.

the worst part was she believed you.

'12/26 - i havent eaten today. it's 9:32 pm. i want to sleep and never wake up. not die, just sleep forever. i love the feeling of being asleep.'

'12/27 - i lost three pounds while fasting yesterday. i'm down to the weight i was when i was almost hospitalized. cordelia saved me that day. i hate hurting her like this, but if she doesnt know, it's not really hurting her is it?'

'12/28 - i ate 1,746 calories today. i think. that's the number i got after i ate it all. in the moment all i could do was eat and then i couldn't purge because i was with my friends. i was just so hungry. i cant do this. i'm panicking.'

'12/29 - eating that put me back up by four pounds. that was all i needed to know that i shouldn't recover. hopefully it's just water weight and goes away. the worst part is i can't fast today because i'll be with people all day. i can try. i want to die. the weight gain ruined my whole life. i can't do this. i have a weigh-in next week. i'm so screwed. i want to be nothing. i want to be zero. i want to be a shell of a human. i want my clothes to fall right off of me. i want to die.'

december twenty ninth was today.

you would often nap to distract yourself from eating, and cordelia had noticed. you were doing it right then, as she was reading your diary.

what was she supposed to do? she had hoped that reading it would give her some sort of insight, but it hadn't. all it had done was make her more worried and more upset with herself.

she had nothing.

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authors note : some of these are excerpts from my actual diary tbh 😋