sarah paulson mental health one shots

dying

billie dean howard - dying
content warning : anorexia
authors note : sorry for all the ed content, writing these helps me cope

-

you and billie had been dating for almost four months and things had never been better. unless of course you count the fact that you relapsed. worse than ever before. you could go days without eating, and when you did eat it fit into a certain criteria of what you considered 'safe'. and you thought that you were doing a good job of hiding it, and billie didn't know you the first time it happened. but it was slowly killing you and you knew it. even if you wouldn't admit it, even to yourself.

"hey baby."

billie walked in the door and kissed you on the cheek.

"how was work?" you asked her.

"tiring." she sighed. "do you wanna go out for dinner?"

"of course. let me just get dressed."

you made your way into your bedroom and started to get changed. you inspected your body from all angles in the mirror, bending all different ways to see every little part of it. you must have lost track of time while doing so, because billie yelled for you.

"you almost ready baby?"

"one second." you shouted back to her.

you slid on a floral printed dress and pinned your hair back. once you were satisfied with your hair you slipped on a pair of white strappy heels. as you stood up the room around you began to spin. you had stood up too fast. you reached for the wall next to you. once you regained normal sight you walked out of the room.

"ready?" you smiled at billie.

"are you feeling alright?" she looked concerned.

"yeah." you gave her a reassuring look.

"okay." she looked at you for a second and continued out the door.

when the two of you got to the restaurant you immediately started scanning the menu, looking for the lowest calorie items.

"could i get you guys something to drink?"

"i'll have a glass of red wine please."

"i'll have a diet coke please."

"okay well i'll be right back with those."

you and billie sat in silence for a few minutes, looking over the menu.

"i think i'm gonna have the carbonara. what about you?"   

"i'm gonna get the caesar salad."

she made a slightly concerned face for a second and then returned to her sweet smile.

after the man brought out your meals, the two of you made conversation about her day at work and your day in online classes while you picked at your salad.

"is it not good?" she motioned her hand towards your barely eaten salad.

"no no, it's great. i'm just not too hungry."

"y/n, have you even eaten today?"

you tensed up.

"billie, don't do this right now."

"don't do what? i asked a simple question."

"just stop."

great. now the two of you were fighting. you continued picking at your salad while she shifted her eyes between you and her plate every few minutes, hoping you wouldn't notice.

the car ride home seemed like it was going to be peaceful and quiet, until billie decided to start staring at you.

"what billie?"

"jesus what is with the attitude?"

"i didn't say anything with an attitude. you're just looking to start a fight now."

"i'm not looking to start anything."

you rolled your eyes at her and she continued driving home.

when you got home both of you changed almost immediately and then you took a spot on the couch and she sat on the loveseat.

"i'm sorry. but i promise i wasn't trying to start anything. i'm just worried about you and i didn't know how to express it."

you tensed up again when she said she was worried about you.

"why would you be worried about me? i'm perfectly fine."

"y/n. don't play dumb."

"i honestly have no idea what you're talking about billie."

"come on. i love you and i pay attention. you only eat if we're out somewhere or if you're in a situation where you absolutely have to eat. and even then, it's just small amounts."

you didn't know what to say. she had caught you. there was no point in denying it. you twiddled with your fingers.

"i have it under control billie."

"that's what you think, baby. but you're dying."

"i am not dying." you scoffed at the dramatic comment.

you couldn't believe what she was saying.

"but you are. everyday you die a little more. your skin is dry and cracking, your undereyes are purple, and you're frail and weak. your heart beats so slowly that i'll sometimes stay awake and watch you breathe because i'm afraid you'll stop. you're slowly killing yourself."

you shook your head in disbelief.

"you can't see it. i can because it's happening to the person i love most in the world."

hot tears began to fill your face. billie stood up from where she was sitting and sat next to you, pulling your head into her chest.

"it's all going to be okay."

you laid there in her arms for a few minutes, and she tried to hold back tears.

"okay. i'm going to give you a choice. and i need you to do what you think is the best choice for you. not for me, not for your disorder, not what's easiest. but what is best for you."

you nodded and billie continued.

"if you really think you can do this on your own, we can try. but you have to let me help or else this isn't going to work. if you don't think you can do this on your own, then i can make some calls and we can get you help from professionals."

you weren't ready to get help, but you knew you needed to.

"can you make the calls?" you asked.

that simple request took so much out of you, but you did it. if not for yourself, then for billie.

"of course my dear."

billie pulled you into her arms tighter, and for just the time being, you felt safe in her arms.