sarah paulson mental health one shots

numbers

cordelia goode - numbers
content warning : anorexia, calorie counting, body dysmorphia, food rules, panic attack
authors note : ffs if i write one more cordelia ed fanfic i might cry bc it's so repetitive but shes so easy to write these with so don't hate me thanks 😮‍💨 anyway enjoy the fic, or dont ig ?

-

"hey." cordelia peaked her head around your doorframe and into your room. "what do you want for dinner?"

"i'm not feeling well right now delia." you lifted your head from your pillow.

"i'll just pick you something for later?"

"uh- sure." you smiled at her and flopped your head back down, drifting off to sleep.

-

"y/n." cordelia was shaking your shoulder.

you opened your eyes and looked at her.

"hey, i didn't want to wake you but i didn't want you to go to sleep without eating."

'wouldn't be the first time.' you thought to yourself.

"i'm really not hungry right now."

"i know but you should still eat something."

you sighed, knowing you weren't going to be able to go back to sleep until she was satisfied.

"okay."

the two of you walked downstairs and you glanced at the clock, seeing that it was almost eight pm. you never allowed yourself to eat after six.

"let me just heat it up for you." she opened the door of the refrigerator.

you watched in agony as she opened a container to reveal pizza. it was clearly takeout and something you would never allow yourself to eat. imagining the amount of oil pooling on top of it almost made you nauseated.

"i didn't know what you'd want so i just decided on pizza?"

"sounds great." you lied and smiled at her.

you never wanted to hurt cordelia's feelings because she always did what she thought was best for you or what she thought would make you happy. she pulled the plate out of the microwave, revealing not one, but two pieces of pizza on it. panic coursed through your veins as you tried to find an excuse to not eat it, but you knew nothing would work without alerting cordelia to what was going on.

"thanks." you fake smiled as she set the plate down in front of you.

she smiled back and sat down across from you.

you lifted a piece of the pizza to your mouth and took a bite. instead of just enjoying the food, the grease and oil was the first thing you noticed. pizza was one of the foods that you would never let yourself eat. too much oil, too many calories. different numbers scattered throughout your head, while you tried to figure out how many calories were in a single slice.

after finishing the first slice, you pushed the plate away from yourself.

"i'm still not feeling well, so i'm gonna head to bed. but thank you for dinner." you stood up from your seat.

"of course sweetie." she smiled that warm smile at you and you rushed out of the kitchen.

as you walked up the stairs and back to your room, hot tears began to well in your eyes. you slammed your door behind you and ran to your mirror. after you took off your shirt and pants, you began to inspect every single angle of your body. fat fat fat fat fat fat. it was all you could see, until you couldn't see anymore because of the tears blurring your vision. you walked to your nightstand, trying to find your calorie diary, but it wasn't there.

"shit!" you yelled and threw another empty notebook that was in your nightstand.

the notebook caught your eye after a few seconds, and you remembered that you had left it on your bed earlier. you stood up and grabbed it, frantically flipping through the pages. how many calories over what you're allowed did that pizza put you? how many calories did the fucking pizza even have? fuck. you fell to your knees and buried your face in your hands. nothing was going right.

"y/n?" cordelia was standing in the doorway.

"go away!"

"hey, what's wrong?" she walked over to you and squatted to be at your level.

"nothing just go away." you choked out.

she reached and picked up your notebook, slowly flipping through the pages.

"stop!" you took it from her hands.

"oh sweetheart."

"i'm fine."

"is this how much you're eating?"

"i'm fine."

without saying anything else, she pulled you into her warm embrace.

"don't touch me! i'm disgusting!"

"no you're not baby."

you continued to hyperventilate as she rocked you back and forth. she waited for your breathing to reach a more steady pace before saying anything else.

"what happened?"

"the stupid fucking pizza happened! i have no idea how many calories are in all that grease and cheese and bread! it's gonna ruin all of my progress!"

"listen to me." she cupped your face in her hands. "they're just numbers, nothing else. just stupid little numbers."

"but they matter."

"they don't baby, i promise you."

nothing could convince you that they didn't matter, but you felt safe in cordelia's arms.

"it's all gonna be okay." she said to you, not even being sure of it herself.

she was worried for you, and she didn't know what to do. you had lost so much weight and you were barely eating enough calories to stay alive. all she knew was that she could hold you until you drifted asleep.

-

authors note : im not even gonna lie and say i'm done writing cordelia ed fanfics because they help me cope with my issues so sorry baes