Insanity of Past Transgressions

Airport

I had a permanent smile still thinking about his hands on me.  I could still smell him and the thought made me want to touch myself again.  I turned in my sheets waking up to the day.  Neela was already up and probably getting ready for the day.  Me I just wanted to revel in the feeling of being completely satisfied.

What I felt for him was more than love.  I was one hundred percent loyal to the man.  A slight sadness was felt in the realization that my time here was closing to an end. 

With my thoughts still on last night I refused to let myself feel worried by leaving.  I had my life to start living and school would be that next step.  I felt good about getting back to it even though I know I would miss them.  Who knows maybe after school was done I'd come back.

I watched from the window as the sun made a slow decent behind the mountains. This would be my last sunset here in Japan. My life was about to change. This morning I packed my bags and went down for breakfast. Nan was cooking fried fish and rice and Neela had just come downstairs pushing passed the food to grab her morning tea.

"Well Nan you have been lovely. I appreciate you inviting me into your home." I said embracing her in a hug. "Thank you for making me feel welcome and sharing your family with me."

"Oh your wonderful" she said in gratitude as she kissed my forehead. Neela smiled up giving me a glance before she returned to her juice.

"Can I get a ride with you to the race. I'd like to say my goodbyes before going to the airport."

"Sure, no problem." She answered still she wasn't very talkative as far as last night was concerned. No questions about what time I had come home which told me that she either knew about Takashi and I or really she didn't have a clue. I watched for clues but when she started with the goodbyes then I realised she was not aware of what had took place.

When we arrived I called my taxi and then ran off to find Han. He and Twinkie were surrounded by a crowd looking to bet against whomever was to race today.

Yelling had distracted me. Off to the side there was another group that were betting dice. Morimoto of course was one of them. Of course he was gambling thats all they did here. No one has to tell me that Morimoto doesn't play fair. That was true but I didn't know that other guy for shit and I didnt want to see any more fighting.

"Fuck you you cheat!."

"Ochitsuku." He responded.

The guy was heated ready to throw down. I probably saved him from an ass woopen.

"I saw it myself." I said as the guy slammed his fist against the hood.

"Yeah what he lay down?" He must have known i had just walked up but my memory was good. "Two ones and a five." He paused scrunched up his nose at me. "Alright golden boy, you win." Morimoto laughed and grabbed his winnings. He side glanced me as he counted his stack. I nodded curtly to let him know we were cool.

She earned my respect. She didn't have to and he hadn't earned it but she had his back anyway. I watched her stand up for him and we all knew he was cheating. I held back from laughing but she was alright by me.

Last night for me was an unexpected surprise.  She wasn't like the other girls I was used to.  With her things felt more relaxed like I didnt have to force things.  She was actually alot of fun.  She made things feel exciting and new.  A small part of me didn't really want to see her go.  She had spoiled me in a way and I wanted to be selfish with her.

I watched her walk towards me.  Trying to hold in her excitement at seeing me off.  She was the perfect beauty.  Pure in her innocent ways.  I knew that innocence wouldn't hold for too long around me.  I felt it better she was soon to be going back to the states.  If she stayed here she would get hurt. 

"You come to see me race" he said Gloating.

"I have time." I reassured. "I came to say goodbye." I pushed myself against the side of an old Monte Carlo to hold myself up.

"I'm not ready for you to leave me yet." He handed me a paper that had his contact info. "Stay in touch at least."

"Yeah ok? I'd like that." I didn't care who saw I pressed against him giving him a farewell kiss before he headed off to race.

I then walked over to Neela. Her and her friends were talking as Earl and Neiko ran over "Well goodbye guys. It was fun."

"Your not staying?" Twinkie asked as I held out my hand for Hans.

He pulled me in making me loose my balance. Bringing me in for a giant hug.

"Are you sure you need to leave?" He will be disappointed you left before he's won.

"Its better this way." I said. I hated goodbyes and more so I didn't think I had it in me to say goodbye to him of all people. Tears be damned. Hard as it was I just wanted to get to it.

"Good luck with school." Neela said as I gave her a hug as well.

After my goodbyes I headed to the airport. After the plane aired I got a sudden fear that came over me. A dread that worried me. A feeling that things would never be the same.  Something big was about to happen good or bad I wasn't sure.

I started to think again about what she said to me before I left for Japan.  About me doing something important.  I don't know why I thought about that.  I only knew that there was uncertainty in that but also a certain degree of exhilaration that couldn't be explained. At least not yet.

Resuming my life back in the states weighed heavily on my already fragile state of mind.  The anticipation of returning home mingled with deep-seated anxiety.

Even as the plane soared through the skies, I couldn't shake off the feeling of being perpetually off balance.

After some hours passed the patchy green of New Jersey appeared beneath the clouds. We had arrived and now I had to look forward to a 4 hour drive to a place where I would know no one.  Brooklyn would seem so bleak compared to Tokyo.  Damn she never felt so alone.

The second I entered the crowded airport I felt my anxiety skyrocket.  So many strangers and they were all hectically scattered about.  The sheer clamor of the bustling airport upon her arrival threatened to engulf her, forcing her to take deep breaths in an effort to ward off a looming panic attack.  She tried to reassure herself that she would adjust to her new way of life even though she wasnt feeling very optimistic.