A SAMCRO Princess in a Mayans World

Chapter 18

Staring down at my phone, I hesitated for a moment before pushing send, sending a message to my dealer. I instantly regretted pushing send and quickly sent another message, cancelling my order. Ever since I saw Nora and the kids at the cemetery a couple days earlier, I had been fighting to get out of the shame spiral I hurtled into after Nora rejected me. I guess I had it coming, considering I was strung out and in desperate need of another hit when I approached her.

I knew if I wanted to get Nora to trust me again like she had before Jax died, I had to get my shit together. Abel, Jax, Nora, and Thomas, they gave me purpose and that helped me to keep my urges buried. When I was around them I felt like I was part of the family and I had no reason to go back to my old life. I had a good head on my shoulders, I had a good job, and I was actually happy.

A few days after Jax died, my whole life unravelled, and it was all my fault. I threw everything I had built over the last two years out the window. I realized after he was gone, how much I actually relied on him and the emptiness and loneliness I felt in those first few days consumed me. I embarked on a four day drug bender, which ultimately sealed my fate.

Nora knew instantly what happened and while she was willing to get me the help I needed, I told her that being around Abel and Thomas wasn't a good idea. Even though Nora didn't really need my permission, she had been listed as Abel's guardian early on, I gave her my blessing to take Abel and start a new life. Just as long as she kept her promise to get them away from Charming. Once Nora left with the kids, I never heard from them and that was ok. I settled into my life of addiction and waited for death to take me, but it never did.

The moment I heard that Nora had come back to Charming, I hoped that maybe Nora would give me a second chance. If I had Abel back in my life, if I had a family again, maybe I could turn my life around. It all backfired, however, when I ambushed her in the cemetery and of course she had her guard up. Nora was smart enough to not get mixed up with a junkie. Us junkies would only end up disappointing those we cared about most.

I sat in my car across from Teller Automotive and watched as Nora and her friend buckled the kids into their car seats and my heart yearned to be a part of that again. I couldn't help the smile that creeped across my lips as the little girl barreled across the parking lot, her long blond hair blowing in the breeze behind her, and jumping into Chibs' arms to say goodbye.

I knew following Nora to wherever her new home was, was probably a bad idea, but I knew I had to try and talk to her again. If I could prove to her that I could get clean and stay clean, maybe she would give me another chance. I honestly believed that if anyone could get me to turn my life around, it would be Abel. It would be my son. No matter how hard I tried, I knew I couldn't live without him in my life, even if it was just as "Aunty Wendy". I would be ok with that.

I looked down at my phone when it buzzed in my hand.

Unknown: Which is it? Do you want it or not?

My heart began to race in my chest and a sheen of sweat spread across my face and neck. I wanted that next hit, needed that next hit. The hand holding the phone shook with apprehension. Was I strong enough to say no? I didn't know the answer to that.

I looked back over towards the shop and for a brief instant, I could see Abel sitting in the Jeep. His blue eyes smiling up at Nora as she helped get them settled, handing them toys and books and water bottles. In that moment I knew the answer and for the first time in five years, I knew I was making the right the choice. I quickly shot my dealer a quick message back. One word...No.

I deleted the number from my phone and shoved the phone in my bag just as Nora pulled out of the parking lot. I was taking a risk and a very large leap of faith and I hoped and prayed that Nora would be open to another talk, one where I wasn't tweaking, one where I was sober.

I just knew I couldn't give up.