BESIDE YOU

Chapter 25

DEMI

Maybe today is the day. The day when I can be completely free, the day when I can take the leap. When I won't have to care about how people stare, how my sister looked like she was sleeping when I last saw her. Sleeping but ugly,cold and limp. Maybe I will never have to care about how those arms groped me, when I didn't want to be touched, how they tore the very last piece of me apart.

I imagine myself to be on a mountain. I try to imagine my life being on the high rather than the rock bottom I was in right now. Always.

I try to remember how I laughed with my sister, how my mother ran her hand through my hair, how Sam held me tight, how Haydon reassured me.

But all I can see is every single cell in my body getting destroyed through cold stares, heavy, scary arms, unkind faces.

I know what you are probably thinking. Why this now?

Because you don't know how wounded I am. How deep the grief runs. 

You might see me laughing or arguing and think "oh she's getting better". But the truth is that I am never completely doing anything. A part of me if just grieving.

And that part just keeps growing.

Today my English teacher asked me to write something for an assignment.

"Write anything you feel ",she said.

But how do I tell her that all I feel is empty. That I can't think anymore. That I need help.

So I just pushed my pen into the paper until I tore it. I watched the ink spread into the paper.

I overheard some people talking. I wish I hadn't.

"I know her sister died and everything. But it's been like 6 months. It's high time that she stopped this drama and moved on", they said

I wanted to scream. Scream till the whole world heard me. You don't know what I'm going through. I hope you never know. I would never wish such a thing on anyone.

If someone asked me who I , Demi Claire was, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know whatever little of a person I've reduced to become.

I stand in my room holding a knife and a bottle of pills. I don't know which way to go. I wish Haydon was here. He's so clear headed that maybe he would know what to do.

I toss the bottle of pills. The knife it is, I decide. I run the knife across my wrist, slowly and deliberately but not deep enough to cause any serious injury. Not deep enough to die.

Some people say that it's cowardly to not be able to kill yourself after you have made up your mind to do so. Some people say that it's cowardly to run away from life.

I still don't know what type of a coward I have chosen to be.
  
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I remember switching off my phone before I slept off. But I could clearly hear it ringing now and that's how I know that something is not right.

I open my eyes and scream seeing someone stare at me and he starts to scream too.

Ughh, it's Haydon.

"What the hell! What are you doing here?"

When the hell did he start entering my room without even knocking, I wonder.

"I had texted you about going out and you said okay yesterday",he looks confused.

Like I was in the right mind when I wrote that, I think.