BESIDE YOU

Chapter 1

DEMI

Everyone is staring at me like I am a grenade.

Like I am gonna burst any second, I think.

That suited me just fine. Anyway, I didn't want people to ask me about what happened. I didn't want anyone's fake sympathy.

I see some girl give me the everything's gonna be ok smile. I don't smile back. I pretend to not see her.

It has been four months. Four months since we found the note. It's funny because it feels like yesterday. And now that has become my identity.

Earlier people were never too interested in me. And now I have the whole school staring at me. How times change!

There was a time when I found school colorful, beautiful. Not anymore. Now I can't see the colors. All I can see is black and white. It feels like all the colors have just disappeared completely.

All I can feel is pain. And nothing else. Everything feels strange. Sometimes I just want to wake up and find that this was a bad dream. It's too bad that life doesn't work that way.

I don't feel like it happened because of me. I know that it was not because of me. That there were other reasons. But I can't process anything anymore. Sometimes I just want to sit down and breathe. But then I get choked up with everything.

I am tired. Tired of being brave. Tired of pretending. They say that everything happens for a reason. No, it doesn't. Sometimes horrible things happen to people and there are no explanations for that.

Everyone tells me that it will be okay. I wish they didn't tell me that. It would be better if people told me that Demi, you are never gonna heal from this, you are gonna cry every day and you are gonna hurt so much that I don't even know how to explain. That would be so much more true.

I feel like a freak. I used to be happy. I don't even know how that feels right now. How was I supposed to come to this place where everyone stared at me and whispered who knows what to each other about me.

I look like a nightmare. My face was pale, my lips were pale. There were shadows under my eyes and they were permanently puffy.

I hear someone call my name. Oh, it is Sam. My ex-boyfriend. He was supposed to heal me. But he couldn't handle it, so he left. He left me more broken than before.

"Hey, how are you doing"? He asks.

I don't reply. What was I supposed to tell him?. I am not okay. I don't think I am ever going to be ok. Thanks for breaking my already non-existent heart into smaller pieces.

"Demi, are you okay"? He asks again.

"I'm fine", I mumble.

My heart is screaming all kinds of swear words at him. I don't want him anywhere near me. I saw him with his new girlfriend. A girl with no emotional baggage like me. A normal girl.

NORMAL. How does it feel to be normal? What is normal supposed to be? What if being a freak was normal? It is all bullshit.

I find myself looking around. Who am I looking for? Oh, I remember now! I had friends. Do I still have them? I don't know anymore.

Time doesn't seem to move. All the clocks seem to be stuck. It used to run before.

I don't like holidays anymore. They remind me of bad things. Of pale, lifeless bodies. Of lifeless homes.

I'm so young. Everyone wants me to move on. But no one's tells you how.

I drop a book. Someone picks it up for me. He is smiling at me.

I'm broken, I want to scream at him.

You'll get the depression plague from me.

A hand touches my shoulder. I turn to see the face.

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