BESIDE YOU

Chapter 3

I get home after the meeting with the counselor. I couldn't stand there any longer so I came back, I regretted it the second I reached here .

It feels like the place is emitting negative energy. Oh, wait. Not negative energy but grief. The house smells musty. There are dirty dishes all over the dining table and the kitchen. Unopened newspapers are lying in a corner and the house reeks.

For the first time in months, I see how dirty the house looks. I straight away start to clean. It helps to keep away all my thoughts. I wash the dishes, clear the newspaper and vacuum the house. I open the windows and draw the curtains. The house breathes life after months.

My parents aren't home yet. I have nothing to do so I go to my room. I don't know why we pay for cable anymore because no one watches TV. I go back to my room.

My room is a mess but I don't care. I don't care if the room emits negative energy or grief. It has been 4 months since I've cleaned my room. But I don't want to remove my sister from my room. Her clothes which I borrowed, her fingerprints...

I just want everything to be intact.

My room was one place I could be myself. I could cry as much as I wanted to. I could do whatever I wanted to without having other people judge me.

I listen to music for some time and I even take a nap. When I wake up, I feel very disoriented. I feel normal. And that scares me. I don't want to feel normal. I shouldn't feel normal.

Tears start running down my face. I quickly get up from bed and go to my sister's room. Grief hits me hard and fast and I sit on the floor and cry. My mind gets filled with crazy thoughts.

What if I forget you, Georgie?

What if I get on with my life so much that I forget all the little things about you?

No. I couldn't do that.

I would never do that to her.

The only place she existed now was in my memories. I could never forget her and betray her like that.

I move my leg and that causes a glass bottle to fall. It breaks instantly. I push my foot into a glass piece. It slices my skin and gets into my foot.

Now each time I walk, this pain will remind me of my sister, I think.

And then memories hit me with so much force that I can't bear the pain. Flashes of my sister laughing with me, fighting with me, her getting dressed for a date, pass through my eyes.

I yank the glass piece out of my leg to distract myself. Blood flows out of my skin. It hurt me but not enough. I take another glass piece and slide it across my arm. The skin cuts immediately causing it to bleed. I push the glass deeper and then yank it out. I make patterns on my arms and legs using the glass.

I sit still for a while and then look around. My sister's room looks just like she left it. It remains untouched. I can't stop the tears as I see her photo on the wall.

I force myself to get up from the floor. I pick up the glass pieces with my hands and some of the sharp edges nick my fingers. But I don't care. Because no wound can be more painful than the void left by Georgie.

I go back to my room and take a shower. The wounds sting as cold water falls on them. I scrub my body with soap ignoring the pain. I feel much better when my entire body prickles. I quickly dress and go downstairs.

I see my parents sitting on the couch. They have aged overnight. There are dark circles around my mother's eyes. She was beautiful once. But now her skin looks grey and her hair has lost its shine.

My dad sits next to her with his hands around her. He is slouching slightly. He does it very often nowadays, as though there is weight on his shoulders. His forehead is creased.

Both of them sit there, unaware of what's happening around them. I stand there staring at them. Everyone in this house was trying to find a way to overcome their inner demons. Everyone was grieving in their own way.

I wish I had power. The power to bring the dead back to life.

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