BESIDE YOU

Chapter 4

HAYDON

I feel stuck inside my house. I pace up and down trying to get all the thoughts out of my brain. I want to clear my head.

You didn't do anything, I tell myself.

It is not your fault.

But I can't even convince myself. How am I going to convince everyone else? People were already talking behind my back about everything. I had to do something.

I had to hide it.

What? Why hide things when I didn't do anything in the first place!

But no one would believe me.

Thank god no one knew yet.

Everything is driving me crazy. Maybe I am really going nuts. I don't know.

What if I make things worse?

Oh really? As if things could ever get worse.

But what if the worst is yet to come?

Oh shut up. Everything is over. This is it.

I am at a war with myself. I shake my head a few times in an attempt to clear the doubt. But when that didn't seem to work, I grab my keys and walk out of my house.

"Haydon, where are you going?", my mother yells from inside the house

"Just out", I say

"Out where?"

"Out nowhere. I haven't decided yet"

"Maybe you should. Things don't work out for you because you don't plan them", she says

"Geez mom, give me a break. I'm just going out for a drive. I need some fresh air", I say feeling irritated.

"Okay okay. Be back for dinner"

"Yeah sure. Bye"

I climb into my car and drive away. Maybe some fresh air would do me some good.

I drive aimlessly for a while. I pass through familiar roads and houses. I breathe for the first time in months. I see a rage room and pull up.

Oh rage room

As if you could destroy something more

As if all you've done wasn't enough

Oh please SHUT UP

Like keeping quiet would make everything less true

I just wanted to clear all these thoughts. I ignore all my thoughts and walk inside the place. I pay for five minutes and walk go in. There were all kinds of things in the room. I take a rake and smash the already broken glass of a car. I hit the wall multiple times and then throw the rake down. Feeling frustrated, I run my hands through my hair.

I stand there overwhelmed by everything happening.

"I'm afraid your time is over"

I see the man who gives the ticket talking to me.

"You have to pay more for another five minutes. Do you need another ticket"?

"Nope", I say.

I walk outside and sit inside the car. And then I drive away.

I drive for an hour or so but I still am not ready to go home. I know that I should call my mother because I was getting late. But I don't think I can talk to her, even for a few seconds.

I pull up at a gas station to buy myself some more time. As I shut off the engine, I hear a rap on the window. Seeing that it is a classmate, I lower the window.

"Hey Haydon"

That's too much of H, I think

"Hey Laura", I say

"I just wanted to check on you", she says.

"Why? I mean I'm perfectly fine", I feel confused.

" You know with the whole thing... I know that you guys were friends... "

"No I'm fine", I cut her off

"Oh", she didn't seem convinced.

" Yeah. Fucked up things happen. But I've moved on", I shrug my shoulders.

"Oh okay", she nods

"Yeah. I've to go now. Nice talking to you", I say.

"Bye"

I am about to enter the car when she calls my name again. I turn back.

"I wanted to ask you something", she looks sheepish.

"What's it"?

"Would you like to go out with me sometime? "

I stand there, too stunned to process anything.

"What? "

"You heard me. I just asked you out", she laughs.

I want to reject her and let her down. I am about to say no when I remember something.

I want to move on.

I want to prove that I'm all right.

Maybe I should try this.

"Okay", I smile at her.

"I'll call you", she says.

"Later", I say and walk back to my car.

I get home and take a shower. I see that my mum was waiting for me.

"Feeling better after the drive?", she gestures me to sit.

"Yeah. I met Laura", I say skipping the part about the rage room.

"Oh, Laura from school?"

"Yeah that Laura"

"Okay. Now eat dinner", she smiles.

I finish eating dinner and retire to my room. I lie on the bed and start to think.

It looks like the world is conspiring against me.

If people keep mentioning it, how will I move on?

Oh please, you can't lie to yourself.

What do you mean?

You haven't even come to terms with everything.

You haven't even grieved for your friend.

That's not true.

I feel so frustrated that I punch on the wall a few times. Then I wash the blood out of my knuckles and go to sleep.

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