BESIDE YOU

Chapter 21

DEMI

When you are crazy and I don't mean it in a good way. That's one thing I don't get. Why would you link crazy to something nice? The word crazy is usually used either of the two situations given below:

a) 'He's so crazy or Life is so crazy' - it almost always means that your life is hectic but super exciting and filled with adventure. Why would anyone attribute a mental disorder to something actually good?

b) 'She's like crazy crazy or She's gone cuckoo' and here it is used in a funny way. Like the actions of a particular person is funny to the rest. First thing, i don't know how using a word twice changes it's meaning. Second thing, what if the person is really crazy, like me?

See what's happening? I've to use the word 'really crazy', like something called ' not really crazy ' exists. Why would you want to ridicule a problem you didn't cause? Like wtf?

So basically I hate the human race.

Wait, back to what I was talking about, when you are crazy and suicidal like me, make sure that you are constantly doing something. Keep yourself engaged. Because the moment you stop doing things, your mind slips back to how it originally was and your whole world comes crashing down. Yup, I'm not exaggerating.

The whole hurting myself thing was getting a lot more scary now, 1: because it was a usual happening now. I don't think twice before running a blade across my skin.
2: it actually brings me some relief. The throbbing of my skin and the pain numbs all the other thoughts.

I push the sleeves of my t shirt to see a pattern of just healed, healing and fresh wounds on my arm. I stare for a second or two before pulling the sleeves down. I look like I walked off a horror movie set.

Well it is about right, just that there is no Annabelle or Valak here, just Demi and her suicidal thoughts.

With my problems getting worse, i sure needed to find a solution. At least I needed to try.

So I switch my laptop on. The Gen Z that I was, I surf through the internet.
I type 'how to prevent self harm' and click on the search button.

The very next second the screen flooded with results. I click on the very first site named " 5 ways to prevent self harm".

All hail the internet for having solutions to everything,i think.

I start reading through the site.

-Call a friend and talk about something different

-Take a shower

-Take a walk or run, take a bike ride, dance like crazy, or get some other form of exercise

-Play with a pet

-Watch TV (change the channel if the show gets upsetting or features cutting)

It seems so easy, like dude call your friend and talk about something. That's it. Some voodoo magic happens and you forget all about cutting yourself.

It's not like I can do any of the things given above anyway.

-I have zero friends( whom I can trust) 'to talk about something different'.

- Showering or taking a bath is the most triggering thing ever.

-Last time I took a walk, my legs led me to a play which worsened everything I was going through.

- Don't have pets

-Don't have cable( parents didn't bother to pay)

Guess I've to go back to vandalising schools to remain sane.