BESIDE YOU

Chapter 14

Guys, if you are not in a good place with yourself or if you are having mental health issues, it is not advised that you read this chapter.

Please don't try out any of the things given below. I'm not trying to promote self-harm. It is not cool. Remember that this is just a piece of fiction. Please take this in the right sense. Thank You.

DEMI

How do I explain the kind of week I've had? It's been more than bad. I don't know what's wrong with me because I've been feeling very exhausted lately.

It's like I wake up every morning and all I want is the day to end. I haven't gone to school or showered the whole week.

Go ahead, call me disgusting.

But that's how I feel about myself the whole time. I tried making long lists to complete tasks but all I've done is lie on the bed all day with my head bursting with thoughts.

Thoughts that kill me over and over again.

The wounds on my body are proof of how bad a week I've had. The next time onward I'll have to use a knife or a blade because there's only so much glassware I can break.

As much as I hated it, I knew that I had to go to school on Monday. Bunking school for more than a week would gather unnecessary attention and the last thing I wanted was to go back to the counselor's room.

So today, I decided to take a shower before going to sleep( or should I call it forcing myself to sleep?) because I wasn't ready to walk into school smelling like a trash can.

Anyway, I enter the bathroom and slowly remove most of my clothes. I don't bathe naked after the party incident. It makes me feel nauseous.

As I clean myself, I find myself in the mirror.

I should have looked away that very second.

Seeing my body makes me want to throw up.

I look more than ugly

I look repulsive, I think.

And this my friends, is the reason why I don't shower regularly.

I feel so repelled by myself that I sit down on the bathroom floor and clutch my stomach.

I then contemplate my options.

I could jump off a building

I could take pills and drown in my bathtub.

I could slit my wrists.

I could hang myself

I could poison myself

I could shoot myself

But I couldn't do any of this either.

Not because I was a coward. As much as I want to die, I couldn't. I wasn't selfish enough to kill myself and put everyone else in misery.

Well, that is if anyone cares.

And I deserve to get hurt. I deserve everything that's happened to me.

I can't stop the tears from spilling down as I dry myself and get out of the bathroom. The pain of everything continues to torture me every day.

I sob loudly and dig my fingernails into my thighs until it starts to hurt. I bite my lips until it starts to bleed.

I creep under my bed and lie on the cold floor. I put my arms around my body, trying to hold myself together. I slowly rock my body and pat my arms trying to comfort myself.