My Bad Boy Best Friend

Chapter 30: I had tacos for lunch (Badboy's POV)

TYTAN'S POV

I shouldn't have been watching Lexi sleep but I couldn't sleep and I couldn't look away. Her breathing calmed me a little but the weight of everything kept me from falling asleep.

I kept thinking about the ways I was going ruin it. Rosie's face flashed in front of my eyes every time I tried falling asleep. And with it came the realisation that she had broken up with me. A part of me was lost. I kept picturing the moment it happened. One minute I was holding myself back punching Hunter and the next Rosie was whispering in my ear, "you should ask her out, it's where your heart is...Ty, we tried, okay? This is good, we know now." And she was right.

But more than anything I felt guilty for not being honest with her, with myself, sooner. I only went to her that night to spite Lexi, no--to hurt Lexi. I didn't do it for Rosie or for me and that was clear now.

Rosie was great but Lexi was as close as I'd ever get to feeling the true magnitude of love. I could watch her sleep all night, it made the fact that I couldn't sleep a little more bearable. It was creepy but unintentionally so. Except, I'd done it for three nights in a row now. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I didn't know what it was.

I could have taken her out on our date this Sunday, there was really nothing stopping me but I wanted to give her time, just in case she wanted to back out. I didn't want her to feel like I pushed her into it. I knew how she felt about me and I wasn't going to take advantage of that.

And maybe I'd be less tired by the time next Sunday rolls around. Maybe my head won't hurt and my eyes won't have bags under them. I wanted everything to be perfect. Because our first date was perfect until I ruined it. I should have never brought up the fact that I was mad at her, I should have never used it against her, I should have lived in the moment while it lasted.

I shouldn't have kissed her and then immediately told her that I hated her because I was just so afraid of how much I cared about her even though I knew we'd both fucked up. I'd fucked up. I messed it up. All of it. And she still forgave me, or at least, she tolerated me. She loved me, even though I didn't deserve it.

I suppose love isn't all that easy to control.

It would be perfect. The second date would be everything and more. She'd love every moment of it. And this time I wouldn't ruin it. I wouldn't say something stupid and hurtful. I wouldn't tell her things I didn't mean.

I heart pounded at the thought of it. Making her happy and being a part of her happiness.

"Lexi?" I whispered.

She hardly stirred.

"I--I'm going to make this work." I said and hoped I hadn't woken her up.

I watched her shift a little as she turned her back to me and hugged a pillow. I wanted to get up, do something, since I obviously couldn't sleep but I couldn't get up. I was hoping the sun would be up soon, then I would have to get up. Or I'd fall asleep, just in time for my alarm.

I wanted things to move because I was simply incapable of doing so myself.

I had no right to be a part of Lexi's life and the fact that she kept giving me chances to do better, broke my heart. It was hard enough disappointing her when she didn't expect anything in the first place. Now, I couldn't imagine what disappointing her would do to me. To her.

I knew I'd never live up to her expectations, I couldn't even live up to my parents expectations. Even Rosie couldn't deal with the consistent disappointment. I was trying. I was. I could see why it was so hard to believe or it just wasn't enough but I didn't know how to be any better.