AGLOW [L.T]

35

LOUIS POV: 

The door shut behind her. I was left in the hotel room, alone. I was left alone in the light lit room. The entire place smelled of the shampoo she had in her hair. The bag with her bloody clothes lying next to the bathroom door. 

I had a terrible stomach ache. My heart was beating so hard in my chest I could feel it in my cheeks and hear my blood pulsating through my body. I am so stupid. 

I felt alone and the feeling was haunting me terribly. I seemed so vulnerable and now I am alone in my room. I am stuck with myself. I am stuck with my own thoughts and feelings. There is nothing I can do about it. She rushed out like I was the most embarrassing person she had ever met. 

I hate feeling like this. People have the right to leave, still every time I feel like this. 

Kissing her was a big mistake. She clearly freaked and now she is gone. I don't know what flew into me. She was talking, she was rambling about all the things I have done wrong since she got here. I know I have made mistakes, some bigger than other. If she only knew how much I regret them after. I wanted to explain myself to her, I was ready to talk about it, but her rambling didn't leave me any room to talk. Her wet hair lying on her shoulders, wearing my old shirt, she looked so pretty, even if she was angry with me.

She has every right to be angry with me. I've done her so wrong. 

Avery knows about my diagnosis, but I can't expect her to just be okay with the way I lash out sometimes. She can't just put up with it. The boys do, but they know it's nothing personal. They have been putting up with it for so long they know how to handle it and the words coming out of my mouth doesn't affect them. For Avery it must be difficult. 

Her seeing this is by far the worst thing. It was not meant for her, it was meant for me and she had to take the fall. Literal fall. I can't tell her that someone is out for me, but she deserves some sort of explanation for that. 

I was just getting out of the shower when I heard a thud. When I opened up, the light from the bathroom lighting up her figure, covered in blood, my stomach immediately went into a clench. Both stress and anxiety washed over me, not being able to even imagine what her head was about to go through. 

Turning on the light was worse. There was a thick coat of dark red blood covering the entire main room of the suite. Right in the middle of it all was Avery, covered in it. She had fallen and when she turned to lift herself up she just got more of it on her. The worst part was seeing her notice it. I saw the panic in her eyes as she understood what just happened. 

I have had a terrible pit in my stomach all night. She should not have been through that.

But I don't know why I kissed her. Thinking about it it's insane. This BPD thing is a bitch to understand I don't even know what caused me to even get the idea. I am not even sure I thought about it before it happened. It was just so much going on. I felt bad for her because what happened, she told me everything I have done wrong, she would not let me talk nor explain myself, I was desperate for having control of the situation and she didn't let me. One second I was getting frustrated and the second her chest was colliding with mine, her lips connecting with mine. My head was disconnected at that point. 

I kissed her, without warning and permission, without even deciding I was going to do it. I simply didn't know what else to do. 

She didn't pull away. We stood there for god knows how long. I wasn't aware of time, at all. I had my hands holding her face, her cheeks were warm while her lips were colder. Eventually my head told me to come back to reality. The feeling in my stomach got stronger while my heart was beating in my throat.