AGLOW [L.T]

39

Indianapolis, I'm still trying to learn how to both spell it and say it ten times fast, but here we are. 

I didn't even try sleeping before we had to be on the bus. I got back to the hotel and sat in the armchair until the sun started to rise again. I was drowning in thoughts, I couldn't even move from the chair to pack my bags. 

I thought about what Louis said. I don't know what he wanted to get through with that, what he wanted me to feel about what he said, but I felt guilt. I felt guilt to the part where my stomach was hurting and I had my knees to my chest so I could hide my face in my knees. 

The thought of making someone feel even slightly as terrible as I have felt for the last month was devastating to me. He has been the one making me feel this bad for the entirety of the tour, but knowing he has Borderline which causes him to feel strongly and have difficulties controlling those feelings made it worse. He may have made me feel bad but I would never want to make anyone feel like that just because I did, not even him, not because of me. Karma will get him some day but I don't want to be the cause of anyone feeling bad for anything. 

Something hurt him in his past, even though it was because of his own actions, it's still allowed to hurt. He said it himself, he doesn't want to be the person he was after that girl left him. He doesn't want to get worse again. I am here reminding him of that every day, bringing him closer to that person in himself he is trying to escape. 

The thoughts were haunting me all night. With not a glimpse of sleep I got up from the chair and packed my bag and dragged my ass down to the bus. We were leaving later than usual since it's only a three hour drive from Chicago to Indianapolis. It was about nine in the morning when I stepped out with my bags next to me. 

I was very on edge for most of the time. I was scared to get another text. I still wasn't sure if they were pulling a prank on me or if it was real. I was done with waiting for another text so I did a quick decision of blocking texts and calls from numbers not in my contact list. 

Not like I talk to anyone anyways. 

I had no idea where me and Louis stood after yesterday and since he expressed a sort of fear of me being around I decided to be on my assigned bus. Sophie saw me get on and did the same to check on me. I told her she could go with the others but she declined, saying it was fine and we could spend the three hours together instead.

There was a TV in the lounge area so we decided to watch a movie for the drive. Eventually the rest of the bus dropped in and started watching it with us. It was nice because there wasn't much talking and I could sit on the couch with my blankets and pretend to watch it while thinking about something else. 

Mentally, I was exhausted. I felt like my brain had been run over by a tractor three times then handed back to me. I hadn't had a proper night of sleep since for what felt like forever. I am in desperate need of sleep at this point. 

I even tried to sleep some on the bus but failed as someone always started talking, causing me to wake up. I always started feeling like I was fading into sleep before I got interrupted. 

When we got off I almost tripped out of the bus because I was so tired. I accidentally called Sophie for dad and I was pretty much slurring. It took me forever to build sentences and I kept forgetting things everywhere. It was almost embarrassing. 

All of this led to me deciding I would not even try to do my makeup for the show. I got dressed in something easy and comfortable, letting it be black leggings and a red hoodie. My hair was up in a ponytail. 

Soundcheck went by quick, I felt like I was sleeping while standing up for most of the time. I tried to keep awake and reply to what Sophie was saying to me. After soundcheck I told her I'd go to the bathroom but I snuck into our dressing room while she was in with the boys. I laid down on the couch and tried to get just some sleep, but dad found me in there and asked if I was sick, which I had to tell him I just had one bad night and therefor felt exhausted.