I'm Lost Without You

Chapter 9

I found myself sitting along side of the ocean, feeling the wind breeze and listening to the waves. I still cannot forget the words he told me. I can feel it too but I just can't accept his feelings for me, not until he confess his feelings to me. 

"What brings you here? You're supposed to be in your room." I heard that cold voice of Liam but I choose not to response and he sat beside me. Hindi ko alam pero hindi ko gusto ang presensya niya. "You are thinking about what Ian said to you earlier?" walang prenong tanong nito sakin.

Masama akong lumingon sa kanya ngunit nginisihan niya lamang ako. 

"You know what Liam, I think you need some attention para hindi ka naman attention seeker, and please stop meddling with business of mine." paalis na ako ng muli itong magsalita. 

"Ian will marry a woman three years from now." he coldly said. 

Napako ako sa kinatatayuan ko, hindi ako makalingon, hindi ko mahanap sa isipan ko kung ano ang isasagot ko sa sinabi ni Liam. But what if he's just joking? He's just making an excuse to make me stay away from him? 

"No, you're just using that as an excuse to make me stay away from him because even if he will? It's out of my business anymore. Hindi ako kagaya mong pakielamero."

"You're drowning Mari and you can't find a way to escape from that bullshit feelings that you're feeling right now. Am I right? You sounds selfish." I heard his chuckles and it hit me hard!

Hindi na ako nagdalawang isip na umalis at bumalik sa cabin. Bakit ba kahit saan ako pumunta hindi mapalagay ang isipan ko? Ang dami nang gumugulo sa isipan ko. 

Bakit Ian? Bakit pinaparamdam mo sakin na espesyal ako? Na kakaiba ako? Na para bang mahal mo ako? Pero bakit ganito? Hindi na kita maintindihan kung ano ba ang gusto mo, kung sino ba talaga ang gusto mo, ang mahal mo. 

****

Three knocks I heard from my door and I knew it's my mom so I let her in. Three weeks had passed since I got home. As I requested, the girls brought me home because I don't want to feel any sadness or hatred while I'm with Ian and Liam. And I can still see disappointment in his eyes when we left and since that day, I didn't received any texts or calls from him. 

"I bet you need someone to listen to your dramas?" Ngumiti ito sa akin at umupo sa kama ko. "So tell me, are you confused about the scholarship or something or I must say, someone is messing with your mind?" Tinignan niya ako na para bang tama ang mga hinala niya at ang sinabi niya. 

"There is someone who always messing with my mind and heart mom." Panimula ko sa kanya. "Am I just being paranoid because I can feel that he likes me too? I don't know mom pero sa twing nandyan lang siya pinararamdam niya sakin na gusto niya ako, na para bang mahal niya ako, na para bang ako ang mundo niya and after that he will just put a space or hindrance between our relationship. We're like playing twisted games, we're like running for our lives in the maze and finding each other but in the end we will push each other again, he will push me again and run like he didn't do anything or he didn't say anything to make me feel this way." 

I paused and wipe my tears away. It's confusing and painful. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko ilalagay ang sarili ko, hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang mga nararamdaman ko, ang nasa isip ko, o baka ako lang ang nag-aassume na baka sakali ngang meron, na baka sakaling ako na ang nasa puso niya. 

"Mari." pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko. "Even if you don't admit, I can clearly say you fall in love with him." Napatingin ako sa kanya nang sabihin niya ang mga salitang kinatatakutan ko na tanggapin sa sarili ko. "See? I'm right anak, I can feel it and now you're hoping that he will text you or he will come here again to talk to you? Why don't you just admit it to yourself para gumaan ang nararamdaman mo? Giving yourself an explanation and labeling and accepting things and thoughts in your mind will give you peace of mind." 

Nanatili lamang akong walang imik na nakatingin sa cellphone ko. Tama siya, nahulog ako sa lalaking hindi sigurado kung ano ba ang nararamdaman para sa akin. 

"I hate to broke your heart Mari, but I think he's just doing those for you. Noong pumunta siya rito, hindi ko siya kilala ni hindi nga pamilyar sa akin ang binatang iyon. But he politely asked me if you can go with him on a vacation with Mellisa and with some circle of friends of them. At first I was hesitant kasi ano nga bang malay ko sa kanya, baka scammer siya o kaya naman he's not telling the truth that's why I called Mellisa and she told me that Ian will pick you up in your school." She sigh and look at me, "when you were with them, he's texting me and giving me some updates about you para hindi ako nagaalala sayo, at ramdam kong mabuti siyang kaibigan para sayo."

"Bakit niya ginawa yon?" Hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at hinaplos ang pisngi ko. I'm finally home. 

"He's gentleman enough and he's being a good friend to you Mari, and I hope you also saw that side of him. I'm not telling you to stop liking him, I just want you to know he loves you, he cared for you as a friend, like other gentlemen do." Iginaya niya ako sa isang mahigpit na yakap at hinaplos ang likod ko. 

She's right, I need to admit it first, move forward and start like there's nothing happened between us that night.