Get Up Again

-eight-

One foot after another. That's it. Keep going. Don't think about the cold concert floor under your feet. Don't think about the pain that you're feeling. Don't think about the blood that you will see when we open the door open to the school. Don't think about Mom and you wish she was here. Or if Taher is alive or not. Think about how Allah kept you safe, how you will be able to sleep without your hijab on. How you can a long shower. 

Even though the bad seems to out weigh the good. But it's better than there being no good at all. 

We were walking back to the school that we were hiding under for a week. I was all the way at the back, where I could turn and bolt back to the room that we left a hour ago easily than anyone else. 

Hiro was a few steps ahead of me. The only reason was because his father's gang was looking for him too. They wanted him as much as they wanted me. 

Hiro just won't tell us why. 

"We're almost there." Taif said. my heart fluttered with happiness. "We have half an hour until we reach the door." 

"Can we take a break?" Laila looked back at me, concern in her eyes. I blinked. "For Neya." 

"I don't need a break." I answered. "Keep going guys. I want to go and see some real natural light." 

"You'll see worse before you actually see that Kayandi." Hiro looked back at me, and he stopped. "I think you should take a break." He looked at my brother and Laila. "You guys go on. I'm coming. I'll wait for Kayandi."

"I can come all by myself." I answered. I walked ahead of them and called, "I don't need your help." 

"Yeah right." Hiro called back. "If you don't survive this thing, who will teach me about Islam?"

"Taif!!" I shouted. "Wallahi, he knows a lot more than me about the stuff guys really should know." 

"Which is also something that you know much better than I do." He answered. I huffed. 

"Well then." Laila said, and she came up next to me and gave me a smile. "Our sheikha needs some rest, so let's all take a 5 minute break." 

"I am not a sheikha!!!" I looked at them. I was so frustrated that I started to scream. "And I have no intention to become one. I just want to live peacefully!! I just want to go to Jannah and be able to enjoy all of Allah's blessings!!! I want to be a nobody!!!" 

"What's a sheikha?" Hiro asked. I turned around to his confused face, which was strange. I was very used to seeing a confident Hiro. Seeing this was very strange to me. 

"A female sheikh." Taif answered. "Which means that she is a very knowledgeable person in Islam." 

"Seems like Kayandi." That nickname made me want to run into his arms and tell him everything. My pain, my fear, everything. 

But of course I couldn't. I didn't even dare to move towards him. I didn't want to commit a sin. Especially since he's Muslim now, because he knows just as much as I do that we aren't supposed to be together like that. It's either I'm married to him or I'm not. There's no in betweens. 

I gripped my walker, trying to hold back the tears that were troubling me and have been troubling since I lost Mom. 

At least she's in Jannah. She's a martyr. Because she wanted to practice Islam. And because she raised me that way. 

I walked to the door. I didn't realize until I saw that I was leading the way. Not until I looked back to see everyone else following me. 

This was something that I wasn't used to. But I didn't react. 

I just opened the door. 

Hiro's room was dimly lighted by the window, which had a curtain blocking most of the light from coming through. I walked to it and opened it, moving it to the side. Sunlight washed me, covering me in its warmth. 

"I'm scared to open that door." Laila said. "So so sooooo scared." 

"I'm not." I looked at the scene outside. His room, like the one that I shared with Taif and Laila, faced the water. I wish I could just going into the water. 

"Come on." Hiro said, and I spun around to face him. "Me and you. I'm pretty sure they're gone." 

"They better be." I answered and walked to the door. "Because if they kill more people, I will pray to Allah constantly that He destroys them." 

"I'm coming with you guys." Taif said. "Because, I can't stand to see something happen to one of you." 

"Ladies first." Hiro said and stepped back so that I could go and open the door. I did. 

"Bismillah." And I opened the door. 

Bullets littered the floor and I felt some broken ones cut into my sole as I stepped out. Dried blood. But I didn't see any bodies. 

"Where's the bodies? Where's the source of blood?" I asked. 

Hiro stepped next to me and bent down to pick up a bullet. "They were all dragged out." 

I looked up and saw a piece of paper on the floor. My legs, out of their own accord, moved to it, bringing my walker and the rest of my body along with it. 

Long live Satan. Let all the Muslim girls suffer and die. Let all the religious cry. Long live Satan. 

I screamed. I don't know how long I screamed, or when I stopped. I just know one thing. 

I screamed this one word. 

NO.