My Name Is Depression

Chapter 10

YWarning: suicide, violence, harassment

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They say that the saddest people, smile the brightest.

I used to be quite curious about why people needed to act as if they're fine when they're actually not.

Why do you have to appear to be cheerful when you're actually sad?

Why do we have to smile when we aren't truly happy? Bakit kailangan natin pilitin maging masaya? Bakit kailangan magpanggap?

Perhaps we don't want people to realize how frail we are. We don't want people to see how depressed we are. We don't want them to listen to our pleadings. We don't want people to see how exhausted we are from living.

Is it because we don't want them to suffer as much as we do?

We don't want them to know or realize how tough it is to breathe and survive with this condition. We don't want them to drown in the sea of sadness, so we pretend to be happy and smile in front of them to let them know we're fine, even though we aren't.

Pretending to be cheerful while drowning is the most difficult, yet simplest, approach to let others know we're fine.

Have you noticed that it's difficult to pretend to be unhappy, to be beyond shattered, to feel like there's an emptiness inside you when it's not true? It's hard to pretend to be sad, but it's much easier to seem to be happy when you're not.

Bakit kaya gano'n, ano? It's easy for us to wear the mask of happiness when deep inside, we're slowly dying.

We're drowning.

It's suffocating.

It's draining.

We're literally dying.

We're dying inside... Where no one else will notice.

Pain...

What are the right words to describe the pain?

Is there a right word to describe it?

Ang hirap isatinig ng salitang sakit lalo kung hindi mo pa nararanasan masaktan. Mahirap ipaliwanag kung gaano kasakit dahil walang tamang salita para ikumpara ito.

Sobrang hirap isawika ang mga nararamdaman natin. Ang hirap ipaliwanag at ipaintindi sa iba kung gaano kabigat ang pakiramdam mo, kung gaano kasakit ang nararamdaman mo, at kung gaano kalala ang mararamdaman mo sa mga susunod pa na gabi.

You really don't know pain until you sit down and beg God to heal your heart, to heal us.

I want to be healed.

However, some people won't really let you heal.

There are certain people who want you to suffer just for the sake of their desire and happiness.

Kaya nilang hayaan kang masira para lang sa sarili nilang kagustuhan. At wala silang pakielam kung malapit ka na malugmok at mamatay sa sakit at kalungkutan.

Ilang linggo ang umabot at walang nangyari. My parents sent an excuse letter to my professor's and even the school's dean because they both won't let me go to school for awhile. Once a week ang session ko sa psychiatrist at dito pa rin sa bahay ang location. Inaatake pa rin ako lalo tuwing gabi pero I'm already under some medication.

I wasn't really surprised when my Psychiatrist revealed my condition.

"Ma'am, do you want us to talk in private with your husband? This is about her condition," she said. She even glanced at her notes.