My Name Is Depression

Chapter 1

Warning: suicidal, self-harm

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I pictured myself living a wonderful life here. Away from urban areas where the air is polluted, so are most of the people, whose minds are all polluted by the desire to do evil to others. Those who willingly yield to the order of desire, fury, and gluttony. I figured I'd be content knowing that I was safe and free from the greed and jealousy of others.

But that's what I thought...

Kung saan ay akala kong ligtas at malaya ako, ro'n ko pa pala mararanasan ang isang pangyayari na magbabago sa buhay ko. It's supposed to be a simple celebration, but it resulted in an event that ruined my whole life.

I was expecting to build memorable memories on my birthday, and yes, I did. It's just that—I didn't expect that it would be like that. A memory that I will wish not to remember.

Birthdays was supposed to be full of happiness, but he ruined mine. Kung sino pa ang pamilya ko, siya pa pala ang magpaparanas sa akin ng takot at lungkot.

'You're weak...'

'Walang nagmamahal sa iyo...'

I woke up abruptly while catching my breath, as if I had run several kilometers to almost run out of air in my lungs. My body began to shake, and I could feel my eyes begin to well up with tears. The murmurs continued to poison my thoughts, making me roll from side to side. I tugged at my hair angrily, thinking that would silence the voices inside my head.

I can't feel anything but numbness.

I could feel my throat starting to dry up while the air in my lungs ran out. Diniinan ko ang pagkakatakip sa tainga ko habang patuloy na pinagsisipa ang kama. Aside from the voices that motivate me to hurt myself, I just felt like something was pushing my insides. It was as if my heart and mind were slowly being twisted so that I could feel the constant congestion of my breath.

"Make it stop!" I barely recognize my own voice. Tuyong-tuyo na ang lalamunan ko at idagdag pa na nahihirapan na akong huminga.

From the hair, I moved my hands around my neck as if someone were clinging and choking me, causing my own air to run out. I felt numbness all over my body, so I searched my desk and grabbed a blade and tried to alleviate the uncomfortable feeling I felt with that.

"Please... help me," bulong ko habang humihikbi.

As I sat across the floor, holding a silver and sharp blade in my right hand, I cried so hard that my tears ran down my legs.

This emptiness will kill me.

I tried slashing my wrist three times, but it had no use. I still can't feel anything aside from numbness. Nanginginig ang katawan ko habang pinanunuod ko ang mga dugo na lumalabas mula sa aking pulsuhan, pababa sa aking braso. Though trembling, I tried to slit my left neck, but just like before, I couldn't feel anything.

Dapat ay may maramdaman ako! I need to feel physical pain!

"Bakit sabi nila," humihikbi kong bulong. "Kapag sinugatan mo ang sarili mo, your pain will be diverted to your bruises. But, why am I still feeling the pain inside me?" Dahan-dahan kong pinunasan ang pisnge kong punong-puno na ng luha. "I don't want this pain."

I bent down and covered my ears as more whispering voices increased, voices ordering me to continue hurting myself so that the numbness would disappear soon. Lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, kasabay no'n ang paghahabol ko pa lalo ng hininga. Dahil sa dami ng mga boses ay ramdam kong parang sasabog na ang ulo ko dahil sa pananakit nito.