I look into the tiny crib in which my daughter is laying. She is so tiny, so beautiful, so dead! I break down crying hysterically. They let me touch her face and place the top on her cremation "crib". I can barely watch them slide her tiny body into the cremation helm. I am hysterical. I don't want to be doing this! My baby is in there. My child. I can't handle this. (I leave.) The funeral home will call me when they are done.
So, my precious Baby Breeaunah has been cremated and I am waiting for all the urns to be inscribed etc. My heart aches badly for her. I am supposed to be 24 weeks pregnant. My heart is ripped out of my chest. A hole remains inside of me, where I no longer have any feeling. Though I know time will ease this pain, it will never go away.
I am drowning. I don't want to let this sorrow eat me alive but, it is getting the better of me. No words can give her back to me. No amount of tear can bring her here.
I know that I will see her again. Along with all my precious angels. It really just makes me long for them that much more! I want to completely give my heart and this pain to God but, I am angry! This anger is holding onto me! It is so hard. I don't want to be hateful but, I am am. I am angry and hateful! So much hurt. I know that I just need to stop and let it be. How do I?
I guess I don't deserve a child. I am not good enough. Not woman enough to give the basic womb needed. I don't feel like a woman. No sex appeal, nothing!!!
Is is so wrong for me to want my babies? I can't help but feel, maybe I am being punished. Though I know that no truth rings in that I just can't help but, feel so low.
