8 weeks after losing Baby Junior, I decide to go back to the OB. Only because of being very, very, out of sorts.. (More then usual.) I just know that I don't want to be sick. After an hour wait in the OB office, The doctor comes in. She has her charts, my file etc. I assume they were from the blood and urine that I had given the previous day. She looks worried. Almost terrified. I start tearing up, not knowing. I want to brace myself for whatever she has to say, I breathe in and sit up. All she says is "Something is wrong with your blood work. I am going to send you to the hospital for an ultrasound. Ok?" I can only nod. She explains tht she will be over to evaluate shortly. I head to the hospital.
After a cold exam in the ultrasound room. I lay there. I can't see anything, the screen is turned from me and noone is saying anything. I don't even want to ask. My heart is beating so hard. I feel so scared. I don't know what is going on, I can't handle anymore bad news. The Doctor comes in looks at the ultrasound machine and smiles at me. She turns the screen to me. Turns the sound on and says, "See your baby?" I start crying. So many emotions arise. Confusion, happiness, I am so hyterical it takes me a few minutes to start asking the questions and hearing her words.
Explaining to me that according to the size of my baby and my blood and urine levels I am about 14 weeks. Raising the question of how? If I haven't been active since before the june miscarriage? She shows me the empty sac that is also present in my womb. Sadly you did lose the other baby. But, the twin is thriving. I can see her. OMG.. (Of course, at this time I didn't know she was a she.) I am pregnant! Really? And Baby is ok? My baby is perfect. Baby will be fine she says.
I settle into being pregnant. I am so excited with meds and everything. I believe this is the time. 7 is a lucky number right? I spent hours and hours praying for my little one. My baby girl. Breeaunah Rebekkah Haven White. I am getting bigger and she is beginning to move. This is incredible. I am so, so happy. I am going to have my baby in Feburary. Wow! This is so surreal. My womb is swelling, she is really moving and we arre monitoring her heart carefully. This is really happening.
Everyday I count as a blessing. Every time I threw up, I smile. Everytime I got nausiated from a smell I smiled. It was comforting knowing my body was reacting to being pregnant! It isn't something I can ever take for granted. My hormone levels rise and I am crying at everything! Perfect! Right On Schedule.!! This is it. My baby is coming.
My womb is stretching! I can't fit into my pants! I am so amazed. Never been more excited in my life to have gained 15 pounds. I am beaming with the love that I have for my precious baby. I will give her the world.
21 Weeks 4 Days. I get off of work go home and head to bed. I am exhausted. So tired. ....... I wake to pains and a horrible wrenching ache in my soul. "NO, NO, NO!" I rush to the hospital. Breeaunah has no heartbeat at all. I can not even react. They chatter at me about inducing and blah, blah, blah...... I am in Hell, that is what this is. My baby is gone. Another one of my babies! I am a horrible woman. What kind of real woman can't carry her own children!
I delivered Breeaunah Rebekkah Haven at 5:35 p.m. October 4th, 2012. Stillborn. She was 1 pound, 9 inches long. things blurr even more then ever before. I don't want to live.
Her precious little hands, her precious little feet. I hold onto them. I rub her tiny face with the back of my finger. Ever so gently. She is beautiful. I love you baby.
MOMMY LOVES YOU!
Baby Breeaunah Rebekkah Haven White
Angelversary - October 4th, 2012
Montrose, Colorado
