While everyday, I was trying to talk with him. to connect with him. He pushed me further and further away. Beginning to ignore and even blame things one me. It was extremely painful to have the father of your dead babies push you so far away that you can't even reach him if you screamed. I fall apart. Let myself go, It didn't seem to matter. I ate everything in sight and cared not that I had gained almost 50 pounds since before the twins. I just didn't care. There was no reason. I felt useless. Even the man that I loved didn't care to be around me or ever talk about our Angels. He pretended just as the world did. That it hadn't happened. I felt more alone then ever. I lived in a town where I knew no one. I had lost my children and now, I was losing him. He was running from me.
Falling pregnant again so soon. Ok, Maybe this is our chance. My Angel's Are sending me an Angel! I was so scared but excited. It is a roller coaster. My fiance was so busy all the time. I thought to myself, "I will tell him this weekend, when he won't be working." We were having a hard time communicating and I wanted to be able to focus together.
I spoke to soon....... Pain, blood, off to the hospital. I couldn't look at anyone. Couldn't even speak, I just sat there as they talked. All the words just turn to mush, a noise that means nothing. A nightmare come alive. Miscarried? How! What?! I don't get it. This is a horrible year! Please stop it.
I go home and make the choice not to burden my fiance with what had happen.Now years later I realize I should have told him at the time. I have since spoken with him, and we have grieved years later. At the time we spoke, I had already named him. My precious Michael Scott White-Lujan Flew to Heaven December 15th, 2005.
MOMMY LOVES YOU!
Baby Michael Scott White-Lujan
Angelversary - December 15th, 2005
Denver, Colorado
P.S. This experience was not as extensive, make no mistake that the pain was not any easier. It was only hidden from the outside world. It is a pain I would never wish on anyone!
