October 23rd, 2010
So, no matter how hard I try to fight it or watch for it. I can't stop it. I am too weak. Whether it be one time or many. I can not deal with all the emotions.
I have therapy in the morning and everything is out of whack in my brain. This whole situation has me feeling very insecure. I lost my baby October 3rd. There is so much, I want to say. I can't express myself. This is so intense. I just want to shut down.
I have been having crazy nightmares, I am not handeling myself or anyone else well at all. I thought this was going to be the time. I guess I am niave. To top off that the "sperm guy" never wanted my little precious angel in the beginning. I am never going to be able to look at him again. The pain will just forever remind me. He reacted "unforgivable" to put it nicely.
I lost yet another baby. I now have 5 children in Heaven. This is very, very, hard for me. I have so many overwhelming feelings, that I feel like I am spinning after eating a pound of sugar. I am not eating at all at the moment though. I feel like I could be sick at any minute.
Of course, I do not understand why things happen the way they do, but, they do. Both mentally and physically I feel like I am in an endless trap, that I have set myself. Perhaps I am doing it all to myself and just don't know how to stop it.
Even though I have become a qoute on qoute strong person because of what has gone on, I am still so sick of being the strong one. The someone who has it all together. I want to fall to peices like I feel inside. All my life I've been told to suck it up. Stop crying and put on a happy face. That hurts sometimes even more then the pain itself. It is not allowed to be weak. I want to for once be the comforted not the comforter all the time. For once to be cradled.
This is hard enough without the chance to grieve. Is that ok? I don't know.
It is said that all things happen for a reason. A reason unknown to us. Does that mean we have to be cheery about the heartache that is going on? I am growing faint. Are we to be a happier people if we just accept all things with faith? I know that is what I should do but, it is wrong to want to be happy with out pain?
My heart is so weary, how much can one heart and soul take before is crumbles to peices? Only God knows.
Since my precious baby left, I have felt emtpy. Emptier then I have ever felt in a long time. This is probably what was meant by "empty and broken". Please don't throw the clay away.
