February 14th, 2013
I have always wanted to be a Mother. I seem to be a perpectual never ending "Grieving Mother". I have never delivered a crying baby.
On October 4th, 2012 I delivered my sweet little girl sleeping. Of course it ripped my heart out. Tore my spirit. Crushed me so deeply. Breeaunah was so fragile, so tiny in my hands. Weighing only 1 pound, she was the tiniest thing I have ever seen. Her hands were smaller then the tips of my fingers. Her feet were the same. Her features were so perfect. She had 10 toes and 10 fingers. Her cheek was smooth against my touch. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to press my lips against her forehead. Cold, but so warm can't explain the love that was sent through me. Almost as if she was sending a shot of her soul into my heart. It was overwhelming. I opened my eyes and blinked through the tears that I had just noticed. I was alone in that cold hospital room, staring down at my daughter who wasn't breathing. Who's tiny heart had stopped before she left my womb.
I now am aware of every detail of her face. Physically with my eyes I saw every bruise and discoloration on her face. I see none of the color that should have been pulsating pink and vibrant flesh. No blood beating through her veins, and no breathe lifting her chest with cries. Nothing, not a single movement. I scream, and attract the attention of a passing Doctor who rushes in to help, calling the nurse station.
I have no words, I cry and cry. Everyone just looks on, having no words to comfort me. I very vaguely remember, telling a nurse to leave me alone. Everyone leaves and I was again alone with my "dead baby". A lifeless child. I remember every hair on her head, every scratch on her face, every wrinkle on her skin.
I decide that I had to see her eyes. Gently, pulling her lids up, I am scared to my core. Not knowing what I may see....... Heaven.. That is what I see. Mostly a cloudy grey color I can see beneath the clouds a greenish tint. It was an intense thing looking into her eyes, it was something that will never go away. Strange as it may sound, I felt calm at that moment feeling that she had no pain. Her eyes would never see pain, feel pain, or hold pain.
Her eyes would rest in Heaven forever.
