18 years old, I met a wonderful guy. Someone who treats me like a real person. It is so nice to hear him say he loves me. We grow together. Learn eachother and kiss like nothing I have ever felt before. I realize that my age is still very young for this, but, my heart is older then most.
May 21st, 2005 - 19 years old. He wants to marry me. Amazing, I am so excited my heart needs a good thing after all.
July.... "I haven't been home in so long. This is going to be a great vacation." I get off the plane, my Grandma was at the baggage claim. She reached for my bag. "I'll get it Sweetie. I don't want you hurting my Great Grandbabies." She reaches in and rubs my swollen belly. I am 5 months pregnant with my precious twins. A little boy, and a little girl. I smile and rub my filled womb. I am so happy. They toss inside of me confirming their presence. I grin and we head "home" the place I grew up.
Though I am only 5 months pregnant I look as if I am bursting. Twins take up much room in a persons womb. I am glowing. It is a feeling I can not explain.
Sitting in a chair in the living room with the biggest smile of my life. I rub my belly and feel my tiny children. They are rolling inside me. Tobie (Tobias) who is my tiny little boy sits snuggled in my ribs rolling away from his sister's kicks. Zoey (Jedzia) loves to stretch. Fighting already, crazy babies. The most amazing feeling. My heart swells. I tear up as I think of my little Elizabeth no one notices. I am glad for the moment. I couldn't anwser any questions if they asked. Plus, I am emotional enough. Hormones, such a beautiful thing!
..... I've been home a few days and I start feeling so sick. I chalk it up to jetlag and just being so tired. After all I am carrying twins. I shook it off. The next day I am at home alone. Grandma is at work and I start spotting and cramping. I run to the neighbor, he takes me to the hospital.
Everything blurs and I don't recall anyone, any doctors. Just the wanting, the longing for my babies. They are gone. I can only really remember one thing about them. They were taken from me so quickly and I decided not to see them. (Something I have always regretted!)
I leave in so much shock. I can barely even remember going back home. So much pain.. I have to call their Daddy. On the phone, explaining like a robot, I hear him break down. On the other end of the line, he is screaming, I think that he put his head through a wall. (The counselor at the Center pick up the phone and explained that he actually had put his head through the door.) The phone laying on the floor. I break down. Hysterical and scream.. He is coming to me as soon as he can.
The days fly together and we are back to school. People around us pretending everything is ok. We try to pretend that we are ok, when all we want to do is freak out. To get lost.
I graduate from Job Corps that October. He soon follows. We grieve silently and grow apart. No communication, no emotion, just silence on the subject. He rarely speaks about them. He doesn't want to talk about it and I want too. It turns into a dark place we neither one want to be in. We crumble, fall apart. The situation is ignored. I try to move forward. Never fully grieving only pushing it to the back of a cold mind. It is treated by most as if it never happened at all. My heart aches. My Precious babies are dead. I only want them in my arms. Cooing, even crying. Just alive.
My precious Angels Flew to heaven July 28th, 2005
Tobias James White-Lujan
Jedzia Anne White-Lujan
Mommy Loves You!
P.S. I allowed the twins to go to a reasearch project in Denver, Colorado.
Baby Twins: Tobias James White-Lujan & Jedzia Anne White-Lujan
Angelversary - 7-28-2005
Montrose, Colorado
