𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝟒 𝐔, dreamwastaken

thirteen

Dear Dream,

I don't even know where to start. I can't believe you. You gave Nick my address and sent him over with a letter you wrote in response to mine. So much for you not ever seeing those... Anyway, I appreciate the long response— it answered a lot of my questions, and it was better than receiving nothing back.

Even though you didn't ask, I don't regret meeting you either. :)

You're right, Clay. We would not be where we are, and definitely would not be the people we are today if it wasn't for each other. So thank you for shaping me into who I am today.

The other thing I want to do is apologize. I didn't know or really even consider that you might not have being doing well after our break up either. I just assumed that since you were the one who initiated it that it wouldn't really affect you as much. That was my mistake, and I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I'm glad you are doing better now! You know I will always wish the best for you, Clay. Like you said, I also wish that one day we can pick up where we left off.

I started writing this letter after I finished reading yours, but then I put it off for a while, which is why this letter took so long to send to you. I had to collect my thoughts and emotions for a while before writing this whole thing. I didn't really know what to say to you due to fully knowing you'd actually read this letter. This one will hopefully go right to you this time, avoiding the P.O. box since Nick (or Sapnap as I'm learning to call him) gave me your guys' address— I hope that's okay.

Congrats on the release of your song Mask! It was very raw and included some personal stuff, which makes you incredibly brave but also puts you in a pretty vulnerable state. I'm proud of you, Clay. Once again you came out with a great song that people are responding very well to. It's a pretty relatable song, which I think makes it even more special to your fans. I think a line that really resonates with me is the one about not being able to leave your mattress some days. That same thing happened to me after our break up. I think I even put something like that in one of my letters.

I really like the concept of Mask as well. The point of the mask is to hide your true emotions and feelings. Making people think you're okay all the time, even if you aren't. I feel like a lot of people relate to that, including me. We often put up a front that we are happy and fine, instead of being vulnerable and telling people how we actually aren't okay and could use some help. I think it's great that you're also putting it out there as a way to kind of say that they aren't alone, that even you have felt that way before and made it through.

What I'm trying to say is that I think the song is really good. A definite banger that I'll continue to stream. Keep up the good work! I can't wait to hear what else you are going to put out in the future, Clay.

Recently, I decided to start watching your streams, which I noticed are pretty rare occurrences LOL. It's nice to hear your voice and hear how comfortable you are when you're on stream. I've seen so many messages about how you are people's comfort streamer and how you make them feel better after just watching you play a game or hearing you just talk. It's amazing. To be honest, I always did like listening to you talk about random things for hours. It was comforting that all I had to do was listen. You never forced me to talk if I didn't want to or if I was feeling down.

The other day I was able to catch your stream of MCC 14, which I found out is the Minecraft Championship where you compete as a team in different games to get the most coins to like win the entire thing I think. Anyway, it sounds pretty cool. But from what I gathered from watching it is that everything was scuffed and that it wasn't your best performance. I'm sorry that you didn't have as much fun doing it like you have in the past (I assume). I hope the next one is so much better and that you get a win!

You have to know that no one was disappointed in you or your team because you didn't win or didn't do as good as you thought. Absolutely no one was disappointed. Don't be so hard on yourself. You did your best, Clay, which is all they could ever ask for! I'm sure everyone was really proud of you. I know I was, especially because I know I would do horrible in those events. You're really skilled! Just keep practicing and doing your best. Remember it's all just for fun at the end of the day.

To end this letter off, I should let you know that this will be my last letter. I never intended for you to read any of these letters to begin with, which I know you knew that already, but I wanted to say it again. These letters were just a place for me to write out my thoughts and feelings towards you, without the intent of them ever reaching you. I don't think I should bother you anymore with these pointless letters that probably mean nothing to you at the end of the day. After all, you broke up with me a year ago. I should've gotten the message after that which meant you didn't want to see or hear from me again.

You told me that I wasn't enough for you, Clay. That you couldn't love me the way I needed you to.

I should've just took the message that it was over and that I shouldn't try to contact you, even with or without the intent of you actually receiving my messages.

Your response to my letters was great, but I can't help to think that maybe you were just being nice and holding back what you really wanted to say. Or maybe Nick made you reply to me so it wouldn't come off rude of you to not reply idk. Hence the reason that this will be the last you hear from me.

I wish you the best for you in your future business and music endeavors, for your youtube and twitch career, for your family, and in your personal life.

You deserve the world, Clay, and I'm sorry I couldn't be enough to give it to you.

I love you, stay safe, and enjoy your life! <3

Love always, Li 🦋