Dork.

eighth.

Kevin unlocks his apartment, the structure is identical to mine of course, but the decoration is just- wow. I stop in the doorframe for a moment, taking it in. He took such a boring space and turned it into his own. There are abstract paintings, guitars, colors, aesthetic, style, it matches him so well.

Kevin closes the door behind me, snapping me out of my trance.

"I'm so sorry there was a break in, that must've been really scary to see" Kevin pats my back. I flinch when he touches me and he takes his hand off immediately.

"It's fine" I squeak. Not the worst thing to happen to me.

"I should call my mom to tell her" I say, and Kevin nods. I pull out my phone and dial her number. The phone rings three times before her voicemail plays. I settle for a text that she probably won't even open for a couple of days.

"I'll show you to the bedroom you can stay in," Kevin leads me to the right of the apartment. In all the apartments there is a common area with the kitchen and a living room, two bedrooms, and one bathroom.

He opens the door to one of the bedrooms and I step inside, it's Not decorated, just a bed and a desk and closet.

For some reason the air seems weird and familiar here, I pause for a moment to glance around the room. That's when my eyes land on some scratch marks on the door.

A wave of panic, horror, and bad memories wash over me. This room. These walls, these floors, the air. It was here.

My breathe hitches, "Wh-what room number is this?" I ask.

"34, why?" Kevin says, sitting down on the bed as I stay frozen at the door frame. "Everything good?"

I shake my head, frozen in fear. Flashbacks loading- braincells stopping- lungs closing- system trying to restart- but failed.

Kevin stands up and starts to walk towards me and instinctively I shut my eyes in fear. I stumble back- whacking my collarbone on the door frame as I sprint out of the room, looking for an exit- anything that could be an escape. This is too much- the break in and then going into that room again. What are the odds??

I fumble with the doornob to the balcony and I open them, catching my breath as the cold air hits me.

I lean on the balcony railings, closing my eyes, trying to focus on the faint sounds of cars and the wind.  I hear the balcony door open and close again and I shriek in fear, just imagining things I had spent years trying to forget.

"Hey hey hey," Kevin rushes towards me. "it's just me- what's wrong?!"

I just shake my head again, not sure if words were part of my brain anymore. I fall to the balcony floor, leaning on a flowerpot behind me trying to breathe, trying to see if I'm hallucinating. Kevin sits down next to me

"It's okay- you can tell me. You should in fact, stop keeping this to yourself it's not healthy... please, I'm here for you" Kevin says, I look him in the eyes. His eyes are pleading, practically desperate.

I rest my head between my knees, trying to see the world more clearly- trying to take myself back to the present.

"It's okay, you can breathe, I promise. It's okay, we're okay now," Kevin says softly, the only contact with me is his eyes- like he's afraid to touch me

I have the sudden urge to try to share my problems with someone, anyone- and he just happens to be here. He's a peer first responder after all, I don't care if he ends up spreading this to the school, my life is filled with unfortunate events anyways.

"It was here" I say finally, lifting my head up. I can't bear meet his eyes but it's dark outside anyways.

"Here what?" Kevin asks.

"I was- I was raped in m-my own home. Here. This apartment that is now yours was my old house- that was my room. I begged my mom to move, nothing could get rid of the memories, and the best she could do was move a floor down." I say bravely, feeling myself choke up and tears form as I remember the events. Not sure If I'm making any sense but I don't care. "A-and he let it happen,"

Kevin Moon's expression is unreadable, something in the mix of surprise, anger, sadness, and pity. "What?? Who? Who let it happen?" He asks, almost whispering. He sounds like he's trying to stay calm but his voice wavers.

"My own father.

I thought I had finally found a partner- he was my boyfriend for a year and a half. turns out he had his own motives. But it was my fault, I let him in. I let him into my heart, my house, my room. And he betrayed me- and I was powerless against him. He was strongly built- tall, powerful, s-scary. I needed help, and my father opened the door when I cried out for help. I thought I could be saved- but he just peeked in the doorway for a couple of seconds, and closed it again. And he locked the door. I just- I-I can't even describe..." I trail off trying to fight back tears as Kevin listens intently.

"I can't describe it. I can just tell you the genuine fear... feeling that I was going to die. Maybe that would have been better. It's like- like you don't have control over your own body, someone else does. And you just have to wait for them to be done with you before Tossing you aside and it can be over. Just the fact that my father could have stopped him- and the innocence that boy played and I still had to face him at school everyday in my classes. Pretending to be okay, pretending he didn't do anything to me while I knew he had done something to me that would never make me the same.

Then my dad ran away. Took half the money, all of his stuff and we never saw him again. The few days he was preparing for his leave- I'll never forget how he looked at me. He knew what happened. He knew I was asking for him to save me. But still he had the audacity to look at me with shame and disgust. As if it was my fault. Leaving me with the impression that it was. And when he left I only got worse. So far all of the people who dared to call themselves 'real men' had left or betrayed and hurt me. I closed myself off in a spiraling path of anxiety and fear and wanting to die right then and there.

From then on I started to become increasingly skeptical and anxious around boys especially. From little things like them giving me all the work in school projects to big things that changed my life... like him manipulating me in my own bedroom.

And people at school wondered why I was tired and sad and anxious at school. Like they expected me to be okay or something. Yet not one of them knew the whole story. No one knew my suffers as just a second year- and they still don't know. Well, now you do" I finish.

I don't know what happened just then. I just kept talking, kept spilling out the secrets I kept for two years to Kevin Moon- a boy I barely met two weeks ago.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I said all that" I look up at him, expecting him to tell me to go to the police or something, or that I should get a professional therapist. And I have... but the only thing that has made it improve so far is time.

However he does none of those things. Kevin just leans closer, wrapping both his arms around me in the tightest hug. At first I feel awkward and stiff- wondering when he will let go. But after 20 seconds or so I seem to melt into his arms, tears finally spilling out. After two years.

When he lets go after what seemed like an eternity, I expect to feel suffocated again. But almost like magic- like he took some of my problems and worries so we could split them together. Instead of having to deal with it on my own.

"You are the most brave and strong person I've ever met. Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me and opening up-it's better to be held than holding on." Kevin says (stan The Rose y'all ).

I look up at him, tear streaked eyes and downturned eyes, I probably look miserable. But who's to say I'm not.

Kevin looks down at me and I see him choke up a bit, rubbing his eyes with my sweater sleeve before his tears can fall.

"As*hole, made both of us cry" Kevin Moon says through my sweater. I can't help but smile. How weird is that? After Re-living and retelling someone of my trauma- I can smile.