Captain: And what's your talent, young man?
Player: I can do a high pitch like Ariana Grande.
Captain: Let's hear it!
Player: *demonic goat screech*
Player: H-hi, my name is Player welcome to pizza hut *hyperventilating* lemme guess pizza *dies*
Captain: Dear Diary, today I couldn't find my diary, so I'm writing this on both of my Kung Fu Panda 2 DVDS.
Gentleman: WHY IS YOUR REPORT CARD ON THE CEILING?!
Mr. Cheese: You said bring my grades up.
Gentleman: ...I did say that.
Mr. Egg: I eat Cheerios because they're heart healthy 😀👍
...and my heart has been severely damaged...
So Gentleman if you're out there
Player: When somebody's being a jerk for no reason, I'm just like:
What the flip did I do to you, HUH?
Engineer: Sometimes you get knocked down and you don't know if you can get back up again.
And sometimes you go to Cracker Barrel.
Mother: 911 is it an emergency?
Gnome: ...No.
Mother: What is it?
Gnome: IT'S DIGIORNOS
Bday: You know when you breathe oxygen and it's like *exhales* then it's like *inhales* AND YOU LIVE?!?!
Rose: oh my mama i be breathin
Stoner: *doing the most random shit*
Also Stoner: *passes out*
Captain: SOMEBODY HELP
Veteran: HE NEED SOME MILK
Mr. Cheese: Gentleman has 19 pairs of top hats and he-
Mr. Egg: Wait, why does Gentleman have so many top hats?
Gentleman: MIND YOUR BUSINESS MR. EGG!
Veteran and Mr. Cheese: *having a pillow fight*
Player: Veteran, watch the light, dude.
Veteran:
Veteran: *smashes light*
Bro: How do you keep your pants up while you're performing? It's incredible.
Ninja:
Ninja: Belt
Not Orange: Who's the hottest Uber driver you've ever had?
Mr. Cheese: Um, I never went to oovoo javer.
Gentleman in episodes 1 & 2: Every time you yell at your work associate, put a quarter in your "no yelling" sock, and soon you'll have a weapon to beat-
Angel: WELCOME TO BIBLE STUDY, WE'RE ALL CHILDREN OF JESUS
Captain: Player, ask me what kind of tree I have.
Player: No.
Captain: Player.
Player: No.
Captain: Ask me what kind of tree I have.
Player: No.
Captain: It's a Chris Pine.
✨Completely Giving Up✨
Starring Player
Player
Player
And introducing Player
Sir Clogsworth: *falls down in McDonald's* I'VE MCFALLEN
Mr. Cheese: *takes Mr. Egg's egg off his head*
Mr. Egg: Put Gerard back.
Captain: Hahaha! I do that!
Gentleman: Two shots of vodka...
*pours entire bottle*
*Mr. Egg and Mr. Cheese ripping each other's eyes out*
Gentleman: Can I get a waffle? Can I PLEASE get a waffle?
Gentleman: *interviewing Franklin* What's the best kind of firework to buy?
Franklin: Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?
Gentleman: ...Where are your parents?
Veteran in episode 26: Betcha I can eat all these burgers.
Player: VETERAN NO
Veteran: One...
Player: Veteran.
Veteran: Two...
Player: Veteran.
Veteran: *dead*
Player: Oh no Veteran :(
Captain: *holding harmonica* You play it and you get a hundred million dollars, but a hundred million people would die.
Stoner: *plays harmonica*
Captain: STONER NO-
Mr. Cheese: *shows Gentleman gourmet cheese* Look babe, it's the good kush.
Gentleman: We're at the dollar store, how good could it be?
aight imma go watch kiki's delivery service for the 86th time
