Player: This is a mistake.
Captain: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!
Player: But not today.
Captain: Oh no. Today's going to be a mess.
Player: HELP! I TOLD CAPTAIN I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT, BUT I CAN'T COOK!
Veteran: *pouring milk directly into the cereal bag* And you thought I could help?
Veteran: What did you do with Captain's body?!
Player: What didn't I do with the body?
Veteran: ...
Player: Okay, that sounded more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the corpse respectively.
Mr. Cheese: Come on, I wasn't that drunk last night.
Mr. Egg: You were flirting with Gentleman.
Mr. Cheese: So what? He's my partner.
Mr. Egg: You asked him if he was single.
Mr. Cheese: ...
Mr. Egg: And then you cried when he said he wasn't.
Player: What if the person who named walkie talkies named everything?
Veteran: Pregnancy tests are maybe babies.
Captain: Socks are feetie heaties.
Mr. Cheese: Forks are stabby grabbies.
Veteran: Defibrillators are hearty starties.
Captain: Nightmares are dreamy screamies.
Mr. Cheese: Stamps are licky stickies.
Gentleman: You are disappointments.
Player: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste.
Veteran: We got spring water.
Player: NO
Captain: With EXTRA minerals.
Veteran: It's like licking a stalagmite.
Player: DON'T COME HOME
Captain: mmmmm cave water
Captain: *in a high voice* Hey Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Stoner: *in a low voice* Nonsense, Barbie, you're staying home and having my kids.
Bro: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Captain: Playing systemic oppression.
Mr. Cheese: Why are your tongues purple?
Gentleman: I had a blue lollipop.
Mother: And I had a red one.
Mr. Cheese: Oh, okay.
Mr. Cheese:
Mr. Cheese: Wait a damn minu-
Gentleman: Mr. Egg, keep an eye on Mr. Cheese today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.
Mr. Egg: Sure, I'd love to see Mr. Cheese get punched.
Gentleman: Try again.
Mr. Egg: *sigh* I will stop Mr. Cheese from getting punched.
Dum: Hey bro?
Player: What's up?
Dum: Can a person breathe inside of a washing machine while it's on?
Player: ...
Player: WHERE'S CAPTAIN
Mr. Egg: Wait, why did you give Mr. Cheese a knife?
Gentleman: I'm sorry. They said they felt unsafe.
Mr. Egg: Now I feel unsafe!
Gentleman: I'm sorry.
Gentleman: ...would you like a knife?
Veteran: We need a distraction.
Captain: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?
Mr. Cheese: My time has come.
Dum: It's dark in here.
Gnome: Don't worry, I got this.
Gnome: *stomps feet*
Gnome: *sketchers light up*
Player: Violence isn't the answer.
Mr. Cheese (imposter): You're right.
Player: *sighs in relief*
Mr. Cheese: Violence is the question.
Player: What?
Mr. Cheese: *starts chasing player* And the answer is yes.
Player: *runs* NO-
Dum: Petition to remove the "d" from Wednesday.
Veteran: Wednesay.
Dum: Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible.
Mr. Cheese: Let's watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl!
Gentleman: Okay!
Mr. Cheese: And kiss during the scary parts!
Gentleman: ...
Gentleman: The scary parts.
Gentleman: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Player: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.
Stoner: *drinking toast* What makes you say that?
Bro: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you.
Ninja: 10 times 0 is still 0 though.
Bro: Jokes on you, I can't do math.
Player: *trying to cheer up everyone* Come on, things could be worse!
Mr. Cheese: How?
Player: How what?
Mr. Cheese: How could things be worse?
Player: They couldn't, I lied.
Mr. Cheese: I-
Veteran: That's one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut...
Player: You would eat yourself?
Veteran: I wouldn't even question it.
Gnome: We need to get through this locked door. Dum, give me your credit card.
Dum: Here.
Gnome: Thanks, Dum. Engie, kick down the door.
Mr. Cheese: Am I going too far?
Mr. Egg: No, you went too far seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.
Captain: And if you have any questions, feel free to put them in the suggestion box!
Player: But - that's just a trash can.
Captain: It sure is!
