Inconsquential Love ((Part Two))

Part 19

VERAS P.O.V

I'm still at the apartment when I hear a knock at the door. I hate myself at my first thought - automatic, without hesitation. I hope it's Dally.

I feel so stupid and pathetic that when I open the door and see him there I can barely even feel glad that it is him here and not someone else. I have so much guilt and regret over the other night but I'm also still mad at him for selling to Soda, for making him like this, for not telling me anything. 

We stand there looking at each other and while I'm looking at his face he's looking down at the ground.

"Can we, uh, talk?" He says, looking a little uncomfortable. 

I cross my arms and look around, feeling almost weird having Dal here where I used to be with Soda. It feels...I don't know. It almost feels like I'm cheating.  "Dallas Winston wants to talk." I say, wincing as soon as the words leave my mouth. I don't know why I keep getting like this. I don't know why I'm so defensive, why I'm so cruel to him. I don't want to be. It's like a switch in me I can't turn off. 

"Please, Vee? I'm trying here..."

I nod, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear as I let him in. I still take him in with my eyes as he walks past me and into the apartment. He still makes my heart speed up, even after all these years. I knew then in my heart that I loved him.

I think I've always known.

He looks around, taking in the scene. I do it too. I look at the wall Soda threw me against, and right across from it I look at the couch he had so sweetly made love to me. I look at the spot on the floor where I let Dallas consume me, and I look back to the bedroom where I had slept night after night with Sodas arms around me. 

It's hard for me to see sometimes. It's hard for me to shut my brain off.  After all of this, I don't know if I loved or hated this apartment.

Dally sits down on the couch hesitantly and I take a seat next to him a little farther apart. I wait for him to start but he seems almost frozen, staring at nothing, zoning out. "Dal.."

"Yeah. I know." He says, taking in the fact that he's supposed to be talking. "I guess I just wanted to say some stuff." He says nervously and I feel the corners of my lips turn up a little at how awkward this is making him. "Since you've been back...I mean, Jesus, Vera. It's been a shit show, right? We can both admit that, right?" He says looking at me and giving me a soft grin. I let out a small laugh. "See? Okay. Yeah. I mean, fuck. I was engaged, Vera. I was trying cakes and shit for a wedding..."

"You were also fucking numerous other women." 

"Okay, sh." He says, shooting me a look. "Lemme talk. I was engaged, I had a life here. I had a job, a home, a fiance, I was okay. I mean in hindsight maybe I wasn't. But I was getting by, Vee. And then you came back, out of fucking nowhere, just sitting at my bar for Christ's sake..."

He exhales and I see his fingers tense, as he makes a fist and releases again. "I didn't know what I was suppose to do, Vera. Maybe I did the wrong thing, I don't know-"

"You didn't." I tell him, easily. Him telling me he was with Slyvia was the right thing to do. "Sure, maybe it completely gutted me to hear you were with her - but I was the one who left Dally. I had no right to be hurt. I had no right to act the way I've been acting. I was the one who screwed all of this up-"

"Vera, stop." 

"Oh come on, Dallas. I thought leaving would help everyone but now I just royally fucked it all up. You know I did. Everyone knows I did. And then I came back and somehow managed to make it even worse." I say, laughing at the irony. "I don't know how that's even possible."