War Guilt [#Wattys2015]

Chapter Twenty-Two

New York, United States, 1952

Maria

I lay silently in my bed in my new room. Peggy had asked the lady who was in charge of this place if I could have my own room and she would pay until I had a job. The lady had reluctantly agreed. I was certain that she didn't like the look of me; all my scars, makeup free and unusually short hair. I didn't even wear nice shoes to start of with, I wore my combat boots.

The first few days were extremely hard to pull through. Since Peggy had told me about Bucky and Steve, I didn't want to do anything. I couldn't do anything. I had no motivation. There was a big hole in my heart that couldn't be filled or fixed.

I rolled onto my side so I was facing the right bedside table. On it sat Bucky's dog tags and the drawing. I grabbed the drawing and slowly unfolded it. Who ever drew it was an amazing artist.

I wonder if they made it...

It pictured me sitting and looking to my left. I was smiling, as if I were talking to someone. There was no background but I'm sure that it was drawn while we were captives of Hydra. Actually, come to think of it, the man who drew it was in the same cell as Barnes and I but I still couldn't put a face to him. He was always drawing. It made me wonder how many pictures of me he drew.

I wonder if Barnes asked for a drawing of me? No! Don't think of that sort of stuff, it'll only kill you more.

I folded the drawing and put it back on my bedside table then rolled back over and started feeling sorry for myself again. I knew I couldn't stay like this, it wasn't healthy. I needed to get a job so I could pay my own way I stead of Peggy paying for me. I got up and grabbed the most recent newspaper, taking back to my bed so I could read it comfortably.

"Let's see if there's anything in here," I said to myself.

I flicked to the middle of the paper and skimmed through the job vacancies. There wasn't much to be honest, unless you wanted to work as a shop assistant or something of the sort. But then something caught my eye. There was a job vacancy down at a Veteran Rehabilitation Centre (A.N is this what a VA is? Can anyone tell me?). They needed an extra person to help with the mentally wounded soldiers who survived WWII. I can tell you now, I didn't think twice.

The Next Day

I walked down to the VRC at about seven thirty to apply for the job. I was a little nervous but confident all the same because this is the sort of job that no one wanted to do so I knew that I would get the job. To be quite honest, the reason I wanted this job so badly is because it was the closest I could get to what I know. Do you have any idea how hard it is to conform to a society that you have missed out on for eight years?

"Maybe I'll see someone I knew," I spoke to myself as I walked.

In the back of my mind I was expecting to see Barnes as I walked through the doors and saw a group of veterans. But, of course, he wasn't there. He was dead. For the millionth time since Peggy told me, my heart shattered.

C'mon Maria, you're stronger than this.

I walked over to the reception desk holding a make-do resumé that Peggy helped me write up. Behind the desk sat a blonde haired lady with perfect makeup, complete with a striking red lip. I suddenly recognised her as the lady at the Women's Enlistment booth when I signed up for the army all those years ago. I looked in her eyes, there was no look of recognition in them, she couldn't remember me.

"Hello," he greeted me with the same annoying, girly tone in her voice.

"Hi," I replied bluntly. "I'm here about the job vacancy?"

"Oh yes, of course. Just go down the hallway and the first door on your right is where you need to go," she directed.

"Thank you," I said back.

I followed her directions down the hallway and into the first door on my right. Inside, a man with a missing arm sat behind a small wooden desk. He was dressed nicely and had an amazing smile plastered on his glowing face. For a man who only had one arm, he seemed pretty happy and lively.

"Good morning," he said happily to me.

I smiled at his kindness. "Good morning to you too."

"I assume you're here about the job vacancy?" He asked me.

"Yes I am," I replied.

"Wonderful. Just take a seat and we'll get started," he said.

I pulled out the chair that sat in front of his desk and placed myself on it gently. I put my resumé on his desk and he took it and looked through it quickly.

"The army?" He said in a question sort of way.

"Yes, I served over in Germany," I answered.

"Nursing?" He asked.

"No, I was a soldier. I was apart of the 107th," I replied.

He looked at me strangely, obviously not convinced at my sudden and rediculous answer.

"Surely you don't expect me to believe that?" He said.

"Yes I do because it's true. That's why I want to work here because I know what they've all gone through. I can help them," I explained to him.

He laughed. "Women weren't allowed to fight in the war, not even if we were desperate for soldiers." He shook his head. "Sorry ma'am, I can't have a crazy person working here with mentally damaged and traumatised men."

"It's true - she was a soldier," I heard a sudden remark behind me.

That's when I realised that I'd left the door open. Anyone could've heard us talking and thought that I was totally crazy. I turned in my seat to see who the voice belonged to. A tall, well built, brown haired, blue eyed man stood in the door way. He looked as though he'd seen a ghost.

I know you...

"Ryan?" I whispered in awe.

His eyes lit up when I said his name as if that had confirmed my existence. He walked over to me in a flash and pulled me into his strong arms, holding me tightly as if if he were to let go I'd disappear. I could hear him breathing short and heavily.

"I thought you were dead - you died," he whispered through a cracking voice. He dug his face into my shoulder.

"I thought I was too," I replied with a giggle. "I just, woke up. I don't know how and I don't know wh-"

"It doesn't matter," he said cutting me off "you're here now."

We stood like that for a few good minutes until I managed to pry him off me. I looked into his bloodshot, blue eyes. You could tell that he had been crying. I held his hand and sat down to finish my interview.

"So, where were we?" I asked the other man.

He looked at me sceptically and sighed. As much as he probably wanted to say no to me, I knew he needed me here. They were never going to get another hand up for this job.

"Fine," he sighed. "You start tomorrow. Be here at seven thirty, no later."

I smiled. "Thank you."

Ryan pulled me out of the chair and led me to his assigned room. Once we got there he pulled me into another huge hug.

"I never want to let you go - ever. I've lost you too many times. I'll have no one again if you disappear," he said sadly.

I kissed him on the cheek and rubbed his back a little. "I swear I'm not going anywhere. I promise I'm not going anywhere," I said back to him.

I'll never leave you...