War Guilt [#Wattys2015]

Chapter Twenty-Three

New York, United States, 1952

Maria

It was a week into my employment when I noticed something about myself. I stood in front of the mirror in the lady's room when I realised that I hadn't aged at all in the eight years I'd being buried. Now that didn't make sense. It had never crossed my mind, though, when I looked in the mirror or told people what happened to me.

This isn't right...

I suddenly heard three loud knocks on the door that startled me.

"C'mon Maria!" Ryan yelled at me.

He was taking me out for dinner that night. Since I showed up at the Rehab Centre, he hadn't left my side. He was constantly making sure that he knew where I was and what I was doing. For most people, that would freak them out. They would think that they were being stalked. But for me - it was Ryan's unusual way of keeping me safe. Like he said, he never wanted to lose me again.

"I'm nearly done!" I yelled back.

I took one last look at myself in the mirror. Ryan had bought me a beautiful black silk dress that flared at to the end. It almost touched the ground but was high enough that you could see the tips of my black flats. My hair was just past my shoulders now but was still that deep, dark colour with a tinge of red to it. Peggy had done my makeup, keeping it quite basic but giving me the amazing red lip. I had to he honest, I looked amazing, but I didn't feel amazing. I didn't feel like me. I was way out of my comfort zone, I would've quite happily gone out in the complete US Army uniform. But I was doing this for Ryan.

I huffed. "Ok."

I grabbed the handle and came face to face with Ryan. He was dressed in a well fitted suit. He looked a little bit like a waiter. I watched him look me up and down, a red flush tinging his cheeks.

"You look beautiful," he said quietly.

I grinned with a little giggle. "You don't look too bad yourself."

It was true, he looked great. I hadn't really noticed how handsome he was until then. It surprised me that he didn't have girls hanging off him everywhere he went.

"Let's go," he said to me, holding his arm out in an 'L' shape.

I smiled again and linked my arm through his. He led me out of the building then stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Well our ride isn't here yet!" He exclaimed with a huge grin. "Oh wait - here they come." He said looking down the road.

I followed his gaze and my eyes fell upon two beautiful, black Friesian horses. They were being led by another one of the soldiers who I knew that had made it back alive. He brought them up to us and handed them over to Ryan.

"You look beautiful Maria," he complimented me before going inside.

"What do you think?" Ryan suddenly asked me.

I wasn't sure what to say to be honest. There were no words to explain the feeling that I had inside me. So I threw my arms around his neck, laughing happily. He put his free arm around my waist.

"Thank you," is all I said to him.

We let go of each other and he helped onto the mare (D: female horse that is older than two) then he got up on the stallion.

"Is there a reason why we have a mare and a stallion?" I asked.

"Well, I was going to get just the stallion but he is in love with this here girl at the moment so I had to get both," he explained.

I smiled and gathered my reins. Now I understand why Ryan bought me such a flarey dress. He gathered his too and turned his horse, facing out of the city.

"Aren't we going to a restaurant?" I asked, motioning towards the city.

"Did I ever say that?" He asked back with a cheeky grin.

I smiled and turned my horse the same way. He led off at a walk, leading out of the city and into the forest, following a river as we went.

**********

Meanwhile

It's so cold in here. I can't move; I can't open my eyes. Where am I!? What's going on!? I feel dead, but I'm alive. Why? I remember falling; I remember pain. But there's nothing. I don't understand. I need help. Someone help me!

**********

A Few Days Later

I was sitting on the roof of the apartment building, sketching the skyline before me - well, trying to. The night that I spent with Ryan was fantastic. He took me down to a river flat where a table and candles was waiting for us. He even had a chef and a waiter catering for us. It was beautiful - but I think it meant a little more to Ryan than it did me. I think he had more than a friendship towards me.

I sighed and hopped up of of the chair that I was sitting in. As I did, something silver and shiny fell off my lap. Bucky's dog tags. I forgot I had them with me. I slowly bent down and picked them up, studying them while running my thumb over the indented words. Tears sprung to my eyes and I quickly stuffed them in my cargo pants.

Stay strong...

I quickly went inside, making my way down to Peggy's room. When I got there I knocked on her door loudly.

"Coming!" She yelled from inside.

I heard her take the chain off the lock and turn the handle. I was confronted with a tear stabiles face.

"Peggy, are you ok?" I asked pulling her into a hug.

"I'm fine - sort of. It still hurts," I knew what she was talking about and it brought the tears back to my eyes.

I pulled back an wiped the tears off her cheeks, giving her a smile to comfort her. To be honest, I never expected her an Steve to have a thing. Then again, I wasn't with them most the time.

Gently, I pulled her back into a hug, deciding to tell her what I originally went down there to do.

"Hey, I'm going to go for a walk, get some fresh air. Are you going to be ok?" I asked softly, pulling back to look at her.

"Ok. Yes I'll be fine, I promise," she replied with a smile.

I nodded and returned the smile before turning around and heading down stairs. If I had stayed there any longer, I think I would've suffocated. I needed a good cry somewhere where no one could hear or see me. And I needed to get it out of my system before I went back to work the next day.

I walked outside and followed a street heading towards the outskirts of the city. When I finally reached the trees I say down behind one and lost myself in a sea of tears. They weren't just tears of regret and sadness about losing Bucky, but also about my situation. It would've been easier if I stayed dead!

Don't think like that!

After a good twenty minutes of crying, I calmed myself down and hopped up. I kept walking though, I didn't turn around to go back home. I just went deeper, and deeper into the forest. It was almost like something had taken over my mind. I had no idea where I was going but my body felt as if it did. All of a sudden, my head cleared and I found myself in the middle of absolutely nowhere.

"Where am I?" I asked myself.

I suddenly heard a shrill hissing noise in my head, making it's way to my ears. It was painful so I clutched my ears and knelt on the ground, screaming. I don't know how long I was like that for but when it finally stopped and I looked up, I saw someone standing there. A man, dressed in all black. I blinked and he was gone, all I saw was a flash of silver.

Oh god help me...