War Guilt [#Wattys2015]

Chapter Twenty-Five

New York, United States, 1952.

Maria

I was tossing and turning in my bed. The image of the suited man haunted my dreams. Along with that, the memories of war danced around in my mind in coherence with the torture I went through because of Hydra.

'The ghost of the Jewish boy. Watching over Carlisle, Michael and John like a guardian angle while in the Hydra base. The soldier on the examination table who was cut open. Storming the Hydra base. Being captured, tortured and experimented on. My real identity being exposed. Barnes kissing me. War. War. War.'

I jolted up in my bed, screaming my lungs out. Sweat beaded on my forehead and I found my self viciously clenching my bed sheets. I heard knocking on my door.

"Maria! Maria are you ok?" I heard Peggy say.

My breathing was rushed and jagged. I was so scared.

"I'm fine Peggy!" I lied.

"Ok...I'll be here if you need me," she offered.

"Thank you Peggy," I said back.

I heard her walk away and back into her room so I lay back down. There was no way I was going back to sleep. The fear of reliving those memories was too much. It almost felt as though if I fell asleep again and went back into those dark memories then I would end up back there, in Germany. So I cried it out until I could cry no longer.

A Few Hours Later

I sat near my window in my cushion arm chair. My gaze was directed out the window, towards the horizon, while my hand self consciously scribbled on a piece of paper that sat on my lap. I hadn't slept at all after the nightmare, even though I tried I just couldn't. The sound of the lead from my pencil breaking snapped me out of my comatose state, bringing my attention to what I had drawn.

"Oh god..." I whispered.

Fear crept close towards me, tingling up my spine. On the piece of paper I had drawn the suited man with the metal arm. I threw the paper and pencil away instantly. It landed on the ground with a thud but the drawing stay the right side up. I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed a box of matches and the drawing and took it to the window that was now wide open. Holding the drawing out of the window, I lit a single match and put it to the paper, watching it burn until it got to close to my fingers. I blew the remaining flame out and dropped the corner that I held.

Please leave me alone...

I didn't know what to do with myself. The fear of seeing this person again was too strong. It kept me inside all day, it kept me from sleep and it kept me from getting on with my life. Ryan eventually came to see me, worried that something had happened. But I couldn't talk about it. Even doing that made me terrified. I knew that everyone was starting to worry about me. I tried hard to convince them that I was fine but they didn't take my word. Who could? What I had turned myself into was someone completely opposite of who I used to be. That fear was controlling my life. I needed help, but I didn't go seeking for it like I should have.

Weeks Later

"Maria you're not who you used to he," Ryan said to me.

He had somehow managed to coax me out of my apartment and back to work. We were seated in the recreation room of the V.A. talking about me.

"What do you mean," I asked, trying to sound as if I didn't know what he was talking about.

He gave me a skeptical look. I sighed heavily, knowing that I couldn't get myself out of this one. I had to tell Ryan what had happened to me that fearful night a few weeks before.

"Ok. I'll tell you what's going on as long as you don't tell anyone else," I bartered with him.

"Fine," he replied.

I began to speak, taking him back to the even that was ruining my life.

"Well," I started "I went for a walk down to the forest a while ago to have a little cry. I was down there for ages actually. When I finally decided to go home...I don't know, it was like something too over my mind and I blacked out. I eventually found myself in the middle of the forest. I couldn't find a way out so I started running in fear. When I stopped I heard a twig break behind me and someone tackled me to the ground." I stopped.

"Then what?" Ryan asked softly, leaning closer to me.

"Then...my skin started glowing and a force field pushed him off me as he tried to inject me with something," I explained.

"Force field?" Ryan said.

"It's what happened after Hydra experimented on my. I'll show you later," I replied. "Anyway, that's when I fully saw him. He was a man dressed in all black and he has a single bionic, silver arm. He was trying to hurt me. So I ran, I ran faster than I ever had before. I was faster than him. I kept going until I got to the first set of street light. When I stopped to look back, he just stood there. A mask and goggles covering his face. His image has been haunting me for weeks. That's why I am like this."

I saw the sadness and shock in Ryan's face and eyes. He didn't have any words, so he pulled me into a protective hug while I sobbed into his chest. He stroked my hair gently, softly shushing me and telling me it's all ok.

"How about you stay with me a while? I won't let anything happen to you," Ryan suggested.

I opened my eyes at his suggestion and nodded slowly.

"Ok," is all I said back to him.

"I love you Maria," he said to me, still holding me and stroking my hair.

"I love you too Ryan," I said back.

But no one can replace Bucky...